You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this to happen. You have no idea how long I’ve waited to say these liberating words. You have no idea how free I feel now. Finally, I no longer want you back.
For too long, I’ve been unable to get you outta my system. For too long, I’ve been recalling our old times and I’ve been missing your presence. I missed us so much. I missed it as if what we had wasn’t painful.
It’s funny how a heart can be deceiving. It just reminds me of the pretty memories as if it was trying to convince me that the bad days never existed. But I know they did. The cracks on my mind, soul and heart remind me of that constantly. But I’ve learned to live with them by now.
I’ve managed to break free from the chains of our love, of this toxic love.
I say love as if you know what it is. A man who knows love wouldn’t have hurt me so much. A man who knows love wouldn’t grow pain wherever he went. No, you don’t know love, but you’ve played it as if you did so well.
You deserve applause for the play you pulled off so well. Not for a second did I doubt your feelings. Not for a second was I able to forsee the heartbreak ahead of me. You got me hooked so well that I turned out to be just a mere puppet in your hands.
But there is an end to everything and so the end to your manipulating games has arrived.
I’m finally letting you go.
I’m finally freeing myself from this idea that you’re the one for me. You’re not. I’m finally done holding onto something that wasn’t even real.
I’m allowing life to carry me to a new place. I believe from this point on, things are going to be better because
I’ve already been through the worst.
Holding on means trying to push life where I want it to be, thinking I can change the circumstances when in fact, I’m unable to change anything. This is our story and that’s it. It’s never gonna be more than what we had no matter what I do. You’re never gonna change no matter how much I love you. You’re never gonna love me the way I deserve to be loved because all you know is how to hurt people and I’m done sacrificing my sanity just because I love you.
I’m ready to accept us as we are.
Just mere passengers in each other’s lives.
A tormentor and a victim.
You – an immature man who wanted to be put on a pedestal and worshipped and me – a girl who needed so much to love and who wanted to be loved so badly that she got blinded by the smallest affection. Lethal combination, don’t you think?
But as I said before, there is an end to everything and I really meant it.
When you walked away, that’s not when we ended. Because I couldn’t let it go. I wanted you back so badly. I knew it was unhealthy and I knew you made me feel miserable more than you made me feel happy and yet, I missed your presence. I wanted you just to be near me no matter how much it hurt. But I outgrew my emotions and I stopped being toxic for myself.
I’ve replaced all the venom you imprinted on me with pure fresh blood and this new me doesn’t want to have anything with you anymore.
Now I see clearly that although I thought you brought me a lot of love, all those happy moments were replaced by the pain you’ve put me through. I always had to pay for them somehow, someway. For a moment of happiness, I needed to live days of misery. And this isn’t something I’d wish even for my worst enemy.
But don’t worry, I’ve stopped obsessing over you. I’m done with loving you. I’m done with believing that there is something wrong with me or that I’m not good enough when it’s you who’s bad from head to toe.
Recently, I read something online, something so real and so true caught my eye and brought tears and liberation with its message. It says something like this: One day, you will miss me like I missed you. One day, you will search for me like I searched for you. One day, you will cry for me like I cried for you. And one day… You will love me…but I won’t love you.
I don’t know if the day when you’ll feel everything I felt will come, but I know that the day when I finally stop loving you and wanting you back has arrived.