I’ve never been a vengeful type of gal. Even when someone would hurt me, I would always try to make excuses for them. I would try to justify them in my own eyes and I would try my best to forgive them.
When I think about it now, it didn’t make me perfect. I don’t know if I was doing it because of them or because it was easier for me that way. Forgiveness always felt liberating and it always helped me move on. I thought there was nothing I couldn’t forgive after the right amount of time.
Until you came along.
You changed a lot about me. You impacted my world views, my opinion on men and on people in general. You distorted my self image and you ruined my faith in love and in humanity. But that is something I’ve learned to live with. After a lot of hard work, I’ve accepted this person you’ve made me become.
I’ve accepted the new me. But what I can’t seem to accept is that you’ve destroyed my ability to forgive. Because what you did to me is unforgivable. Sometimes I think you were on a mission to destroy me from the moment we met.
I will never know what made you cause me this much pain but that is not important anymore. The fact is that you’ve hurt me to the bones. You’ve wounded and scarred me for life. And you didn’t do this just when you left me.
Our entire relationship was a living hell for me. Of course, there were happy moments as well. And I kept holding on to those happy moments. They were the ones which made me stay by your side for years. But all the bad things you did to me annulled everything good you ever did to me. Now, I only remember the horrible stuff.
I only remember the pain, the humiliation, the tears. I remember myself thinking I was going crazy. I remember the way you manipulated me. I remember your jealousy and possessive behavior. I remember you controlling me. I remember you asking for everything while giving nothing in return.
I remember all the sleepless nights I spent praying you’d change. I remember all the emotional abuse you were putting me through and all the mornings I wished I hadn’t woken up. I remember how I felt helpless and hopeless. I remember how I saw no way out from you.
And most of all, I remember you being the one who walked away after everything you did to me.
I remember how I wanted you to come back, although I knew you would destroy me completely if you did. I remember how I felt used and unwanted, how I was drained and exhausted from all the pain you’ve caused me.
How I felt I would never be good enough for any man because I obviously wasn’t good enough for you whom I had given everything I had. I remember how broken I was and how I thought I had no reason to live anymore. I remember the despair I saw in my eyes every time Iooked in the mirror.
Although I am way better now, you’ve left a stamp on my mind and soul.
And that is why I don’t want you to live your life as if nothing has happened, as if you hadn’t caused me any harm. That is why I don’t want you to be guilt-free and to ever be peaceful. And that is why you can’t have my forgiveness.
I am sorry, but I can’t be the bigger man and wish you all the best. I don’t want you to live happily ever after. Instead, I want you to be consumed by guilt for as long as I am consumed with this pain and despair. I want you to go through all the things you made me go through and I want you to feel all the things I felt because of you.
Even when you are happy, I hope there will exist a voice in your head which will remind you of everything you did to me. Even when you forget all about me, I wish that you would wake up in the middle of the night consumed by guilt, without even knowing why you feel that way.
Even if you ever change, I want you to always have in mind that there exists a woman whose life you destroyed and I want you to never be in peace with yourself because of this.
Call me a bad or a vengeful person, but I hope I’ll haunt you for as long as you breathe because that is the least you deserve.
