Divorce happens. Not all marriages have happy endings, and having and holding can often have a time limit. Mistakes are made, trust is broken, and life’s curveballs prove too stressful.
No matter why a marriage ends, it’s hard on both parties. There’s stress. There’s grief. There’s probably a lot of sadness. But, as with every disappointment, important lessons must be learned. Looking through the rearview after a divorce, many can learn many lessons about love, marriage, how people evolve over the years, and what mistakes were made.
The lessons aren’t always positive, but they aren’t always negative either. To provide some insight, we spoke to nine men about what they wished they had known before they got divorced.
1. I wish I knew my wife better beforehand
“I wish I knew that my ex thought a relationship would complete her. I never saw that, because we were always so happy when we were dating and engaged.
But something in her was missing, and I sincerely believe she thought it would fall into place the day we married. I struggled with that a lot during the divorce because I thought I failed to fill the hole.
But that hole will never be filled unless it’s by her. Some people are waiting for someone to complete that puzzle, and I don’t think that’s how it works.”
— Caleb, 34, Tennessee
2. I wish I would’ve traded fights for pep talks
“I wish I knew that having a plan isn’t the same as having one that works out. When we got married, we tried to see the future.
Jobs first, then a house, then kids, then a better house, and so on. That was our plan, and we were both on board.
But then ‘life’ happened. I lost my first job before we could buy a house. When we could finally afford one, her credit was so bad that it was almost impossible to get a loan.
All of these little things derailed our perfect plans. And instead of saying, ‘That’s life…,” I think she — and, in a way, me too — took it as a sign that we weren’t meant for each other. Looking back, I probably would’ve traded many of those fights for pep talks instead.”
— Liam, 33, Florida
3. I wish I’d pushed harder for therapy
“I wish I’d pushed harder for regular couple’s therapy. Maintenance therapy. We could’ve stocked up our arsenal with communication techniques and empathy practice long before we despised each other.
She didn’t think we needed it, because we weren’t fighting. It was sort of, ‘Don’t fix what’s not broken.’ But, you n’t — or you shouldn’tn’t — install smoke detectors during the fire. It’s preventative. I think regular mental/relationship checkups could’ve saved us.”
— Mark, 44, Florida
4. I wish I knew what would happen to my friendships
“All the ‘mutual’ friends I lost just devastated me. As a couple, we spent much time with each other’s friends. We bonded, across the board.
But divorce is a divider, in every sense of the word. I never would’ve imagined the people I was so close to acting like they did during the divorce. A lot of people, I think, put our marriage on a pedestal.
When it fell apart, who knows? Maybe it brought up feelings about their own relationships. Whatever the case, the people I was friends with then aren’t the same as those I’m friends with now. I wasn’t prepared for that.”
— Jason, 40, Pennsylvania
5. I wish I hadn’t underestimated the support I would receive
“This is kind of an ‘upper,’ I guess. I wish I had known I could count on support from so many unexpected people and places.
When the news went public, people I hadn’t talked to in years reached out to say they’d gone through something similar or knew I was a good person. It sounds superfluous, but those random outpourings of support helped with the loneliness.
Not so much in terms of, ‘Oh, I have a new friend.’ But more like, ‘In a time when I feel like the whole world is against me, I know that there are people who’ve been through this, and survived.”
— Ronnie, 42, Rhode Island
6. I wish I’d better prepared myself for the judgment
“This wasn’t completely unexpected, but I didn’t anticipate the level of judgment that would happen during and after the divorce. It started with her family and friends. Whispers of me being a bad husband and stuff.
Then it got a little more… casual? People I would see regularly at church started veering the other way instead of coming to shake my hand. Church was actually where I felt most judged and ostracized for getting a divorce. Very unforgiving. Ironic, right?”
