DEAD RELATIONSHIPS. How do I understand that “the horse is dead”?
Everyone has probably heard the expression, “If the horse is dead, get off.” This is all true and many nod in agreement. But how can you tell if the horse is definitely dead and there is no chance of resuscitation? Where can you still revive the relationship by unraveling the tangle of problems? And where is it all over, basta, finita la commedia? I offer for reflection and consideration several criteria for dead relationships that will help confirm your horse’s diagnosis.
1) You are no longer interested in proving that you are right; you are not interested in arguing or quarreling; it no longer matters what your partner will think or how he will perceive certain words or certain behaviors.
While people are arguing, there is still energy in the relationship; something still grabs them from each other, since it is important to convey your point of view to the other. To explain your thoughts, to convey your experiences, to talk about your feelings. When this disappears, when the partner’s misunderstanding, his resistance, his opposition, his agreement, or his disagreement become indifferent, then yes, most likely—”the”horse is dead.”
2) The relationship has turned into loneliness for two. This happens when the emotional connection between the participants of the union disappears.
When everyone lives in their own world, in their own space, where the partner is not prohibited from entering. When there is a sense of spiritual alienation. When partners do not share each other’s ideas, values, ideals, and worldview. Often such partners say about the relationship that “we live like neighbors.” The interests and activities of each do not bother, do not excite, and do not touch the other.
3) Routine, everyday life. Over time, the initial enthusiasm of the relationship fades.
The initial passions—love, the spark—are absorbed by everyday life. And then in the relationship, the partners seem not to live but to exist, dragging the relationship along like a forced burden. There are no more conversations until the morning, no desire to share dreams and plans, no desire to share thoughts and share each other’s depth, to know the breadth of each. Sexual attraction to the partner disappears. The relationship becomes very superficial, very screeny, very routine.
4) A relationship ends when one (or both) relinquishes responsibility for the well-being of the couple.
When there is no longer any interest in this union at all. When neither the goals of this union nor the motives for maintaining it are clear. When it becomes unclear, why should we be together at all? What do I get from this relationship? What do I need it for?
5) When the relationship sucks more than nourishes.
Usually, such an imbalance in receiving and giving energy and strength in a relationship is noticed when the source has completely dried up. And often the first alarm bells are received by the partner from his environment: friends and acquaintances begin to notice a dull look, fatigue, lethargy, and lack of initiative. Relatives say that you are no longer the cheerful person, full of strength and energy. You are no longer a “lively one,” not a “motor.”.
You stopped smiling and being interested in the world around you. This happens when one of the partners treats the other exclusively as a consumer, considers them as a donor for resources (monetary, emotional), but is not ready to give an equal contribution. When the foundation, the basis for the relationship is neurosis, not love and not mutual interest.
6) Disappearance of personal space.
At one point (or maybe over time), you realize that you have lost yourself in this relationship; you no longer remember what made you happy and what consoled you before meeting your partner. You are completely absorbed in this relationship; only “we” remains, and “I” has suddenly disappeared somewhere. There is nothing personal, your own, intimate, separate from the relationship left. It is not the relationship that has become a part of your life, but you have become a part of the relationship. You have buried yourself in the relationship, lost your personality, and you yourself have become a dead man.
7) Priorities and values in life have changed dramatically.
For example, the relationship began during their student years. And the couple was brought together by the fact that he played the guitar beautifully, and she sang along beautifully. Years passed; now he has already built his own business, runs a large corporation, and has constant business trips, plans, and projects. And she stopped in her development at the moment when she sang along beautifully to the guitar. Or, on the contrary, she built a career, gave birth to a child, plans a charity evening for orphans, and he still plays the guitar. Only to the neighbor upstairs. When one of the partners goes far ahead in their development or when they begin to live somehow in parallel, each in their own world, in their own reality.
And something in common disappears; what united before is no longer relevant. Each individual point, perhaps, cannot testify to the futility of the relationship. A lot of things echo codependent relationships, relationships in fusion. And all of this separately is solvable. But if you found a lot about yourself, if something resonated in each point, then, probably, the horse died.
We often cling to hope; we are afraid to leave the relationship out of fear of loneliness, out of fear of loss. And the first step to letting go of a dead relationship, to leave it, is to realize, to be imbued with the understanding that you are ALREADY alone, you are ALREADY in loss, you are no longer in contact with the other. “There are two sins in relationships: to break off living relationships and to hold on to dead ones.”
