The term “inability to have a relationship” is spreading like wildfire in today’s dating world as an explanation for an unstable love life. It is said that today’s generation is incapable of having a relationship, is no longer interested in long-term commitment, and increasingly prefers short adventures to deep relationships. But is that the case? To what extent has love changed? We spoke to a couples counselor and singles coach about the phenomenon of “inability to have a relationship” and received interesting answers.
“Love makes you happy” and “inability to have relationships” and found out some interesting things.
The term “relationship inability” is on everyone’s lips at the moment. But what does that mean?
Eric Hagmann: Inability to have a relationship is a dirty word. I wouldn’t grant everyone the same relationship potential, but we are all capable of having a relationship. The desire for bonding and closeness in a group, preferably in a relationship with one another, is programmed into us by evolution. If a lot of people suddenly diagnose themselves as incapable of having a relationship, then that expresses very clearly how strong this need is to belong somewhere—even if it is “only” in the group of those incapable of having a relationship. Ultimately, this self-diagnosis is a pretext for not dealing with one’s own needs. Of course, there are cases where traumatic experiences lead to attachment problems. In my experience, however, those who consider themselves incapable of having a relationship are primarily afraid of commitment or avoid commitment, consciously or unconsciously. They are often not aware of this because they experience an exciting couple dynamic in their relationships, which only last a few weeks or months. In these partnerships, one person usually wants more closeness, the other less. They then complain about a lack of commitment or “I always end up with the wrong people!”. However, it is like things that anxious and avoidant attachment types keep meeting each other and are constantly attracted and repelled by each other. This confirms their belief, and they experience that this happens again and again. This probably applies to all singles. They overlook the fact that people with a secure attachment attitude live-in relationships and are therefore only found on the singles’ beaten track for a short time. This is the majority of the population: people who are not afraid of closeness and security and choose partners who are interested in them—instead of chasing after supposed princes and princesses who are only perfect for the first few weeks. Then suddenly the dream partner turns into the “wrong one” again. But that is not fate, and Cupid is not blind either; anyone can break out of the pattern if they want to.
How has today’s generation changed when it comes to love? Is there still a desire for a stable, long-lasting relationship?
Eric Hegmann: The desire for closeness and love is still strong. A happy relationship is at the top of most people’s wish lists. On the one hand, it is so strong that love is almost Disneyfied and over-romanticized and the partner is expected to meet all the requirements that our grandparents had a whole village to meet; on the other hand, however, we also see it as our duty to perfect ourselves and upgrade ourselves to be able to meet these enormous requirements. Simple is different—especially because many are not blessed with role models that they can emulate. And anyone who wants to emulate fictional relationships in the media, be it celebrities or films and series, will always fail in reality.
What values count in a partnership today?
Eric Hegmann: Loyalty and mutual care are top priorities. Most couples break up because of a lack of attention and affection, as well as infidelity. For women, their partner must be reliable, committed, loving, and trustworthy. Men primarily want a caring partner with whom conflicts can be resolved easily.
The new generation is increasingly striving to fulfill their potential and pursue personal development. To what extent is this no longer compatible with a relationship?
Eric Hegmann: There are many princesses and princes on the singles market who complain about each other. The princes are afraid of missing out. The princesses are afraid of not getting what they want. What they believe they have to experience in a relationship comes from dramaturgically polished stories in the media and not from real role models. Finding the excitement in the ordinary, not chasing happiness but being able to enjoy contentment, is therefore difficult for many couples. Partners are allowed to think each other is stupid sometimes; that doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship. In real life, we are told that we have to achieve the best and not settle for less. A far-reaching decision and commitment for someone with whom we want to be together for decades, ideally for our whole lives, quickly overwhelms us. You can dismiss this as a luxury problem, but that doesn’t do justice to the genuine search for meaning of this generation.
Is it true that nowadays no one is so happy with one partner and is always thinking about finding something better?
Eric Hegmann: The vast majority of singles complain about the lack of opportunities to meet suitable partners. How many matches ultimately do not lead to a date because the people are actually taken and just want an ego boost? But there are certainly some people who find the search for a partner to be far too overwhelming. They wipe their fingers raw on the dating app or, after six exciting weeks of getting to know each other, experience a great disillusionment when the rose-tinted glasses fade. Then it’s time to pull the emergency brake and start again. At first, that sounds like a lack of commitment, but behind it lies the enormous fear of making the wrong decision and missing out. The reason often given is: “Yes, the love wasn’t that great after all.” In truth, the courage was not great enough to dare to make the transition from the romantic and passionate phase of falling in love to sustainable, lasting, partner-based love.
What do you think about new-fangled relationship trends like “mingles”?
Eric Hegmann: In my experience, the Mingle relationship model makes more couples unhappy than happy. In theory, that sounds great. Both partners can rely on each other; they make minimal commitments with the greatest possible freedom. In practice, however, I find that one partner almost always falls in love at some point. This may have something to do with the bonding hormones, which eventually give in, or perhaps it is because such pairings almost always involve an avoidant and anxious attachment type. However, two avoidant types, for whom the model would be ideal in the mind experiment, do not give each other enough confirmation in the long run so that the centrifugal forces prevail.
To what extent do the Internet and dating apps like Tinder and Co. influence these changes?
Eric Hegmann: I am convinced that they reflect social developments. But they do not trigger them. There were predecessors to Tinder a few years ago. These offers flopped. In part because no woman was prepared to be gawked at in a virtual window of a dating app with a picture and her location details. That has changed. I think the influence of social media on our perception of love and relationships has become much greater. The constant comparison with pretty couples in advertising, films, or social networks damages our self-confidence and our image of a “real” relationship.
Why is it increasingly difficult for us to commit to something these days? Are you building a house, getting married, and having children out? Are commitments no longer desired?
Eric Hegmann: I don’t think that’s true, and the figures from the Federal Statistical Office confirm my view. More marriages are being entered into again, and marriages are lasting longer again, but the age at which families are planned is being pushed back further and further. Since we have more relationships in our lives today than our grandparents did, we also have more single phases. Depending on the life situation, such a phase can be quite long. Up until the mid-30s, the desire for commitment is less pronounced. That’s nothing new. However, from the late 40s onwards, more singles are saying that they would no longer be willing to make compromises for a relationship. That’s a relatively new development.
