10 Delayed Red Flags That Only Show Up After You’re Emotionally Invested
When we first begin to date someone, we’re always on the lookout for red flags and deal-breakers. After two or three months, we begin to trust them and feel confident in our decision to be with them.
Unfortunately, it’s often after the initial courtship period that the worst red flags actually begin to show. If you notice these warning signs of a bad relationship, it’s probably for the best that you leave before your relationship gets worse.
1. They come up with reasons not to do work
When you first began dating, he kept a good home, had a job, and knew how to do laundry. One year in, he suddenly doesn’t know how to do laundry, refuses to keep or get a job because he’s “tired,” and his home looks like a bomb went off in it.
Believe it or not, this is scarily common. Many guys out there will magically “fall apart” when a girl becomes deeply committed to them, and they do that because they know the girl they’re with will support them. These guys will promise to work on things, but nothing ever comes of it.
He will flip out and guilt-trip her if the girl gets annoyed and brings up his lack of action. It’s not your responsibility to support a man-child.
2. They try to wear you down on non-negotiable issues
Some things, such as your position on kids, are not negotiable in relationships. There are also certain boundaries that healthy relationships don’t cross.
If you notice that they keep trying to negotiate, argue, or otherwise get you to give in on these things, that’s a huge red flag. It signals they don’t respect your decisions, opinions, or boundaries. It’s also a sign that they’re trying to control you.
3. They say absolutely vile things
There are certain things you don’t say to a person. During the initial stages of dating, it’s really unlikely that any guy would be stupid enough to say something atrocious to you because they’re supposed to be on their best behavior. Many bad apples will wait months or even years before showing their true colors.
If they say something insanely rude or plain messed up, don’t take it lightly or excuse it as them having a bad day. They’ve shown you who they are, and you must believe them. Accepting verbal abuse like that sets a precedent, and it’s not a precedent you want to set.
4. They isolate you from your friends and family
This is a red flag that most people don’t realize until they’re really deep into a bad relationship. The more aggressively someone tries to sever connections you have with other people, the worse a sign it is.
Many abusive guys will isolate their victims as the first step in keeping them locked down, and it’s almost always a gradual thing. If you notice that he makes a point of making friends uncomfortable, tells you to stop talking to old friends, or tries to turn friends against you, it’s time to leave.
5. They have a serious anger problem
Most people don’t see their significant other’s angry side until they’re well-established as a couple. This isn’t necessarily good because you don’t really know a person until you see how they handle their anger.
If your first argument or example of him being angry was an explosive display of rage, you need to back out of the relationship quickly. There’s no saying that he won’t turn that anger against you one of these days.
When anger issues seem to emerge only after someone becomes emotionally invested, it often stems from the underlying vulnerability and the potential for hurt or disappointment that comes with closeness, which triggers deeper emotions and reactive anger. A 2022 study found that, in some cases, anger can be used to exert control or power in a relationship. Someone who feels powerless or insecure might use anger to assert themselves or manipulate the situation.
6. They lie about their past
When you’re dating a guy, you’ll soon begin to hear stories about his past, his job, and other important details of his life. Things will add up when you’re dating a guy who’s honest with you. There will be people who can back up his stories. There will be physical evidence of people he claimed existed and keepsakes of stranger times.
If you begin noticing little details of his story changing or can’t help but notice a lack of evidence, it’s a good sign that he’s hiding something major. Depending on how the details change, he might also be trying to “trickle truth” to you about certain issues.
Either way, all those inconsistencies are a good sign that he’s lying to you about something, and you don’t need that in your life.
7. They say and do two different things.
This red flag becomes apparent only after you two have discussed things that need to improve in the relationship. A good relationship partner will follow through on his actions rather than offer you more empty promises about fixing it later.
If you begin to notice that he’s not doing the things he’s promised to do, it’s a red flag. It means that he’s hoping to keep things as they are and hoping you won’t bother to correct them. Or, it could be that he’s just too selfish and lazy to put in the effort.
Actions speak much louder than words, so don’t ignore this bad sign. If he won’t work on small things, there’s no way he’ll work on more significant issues.
8. They pull a ‘bait and switch.’
At the start of the relationship, he was super-generous. Slowly but surely, he began to nickel-and-dime you. Now, you’re paying all his bills. Maybe, at the start, he kept talking about marriage. Now, he’s adding all these things you must do to get him to propose. You do them, but he wants you to do even more things.
Congrats! You’ve been dealt a bait-and-switch by your guy. If you notice him dangling something you want in front of you to make you do things, you’re dealing with a serious red flag.
In reality, guys who pull this dirty trick will never give you what you wanted in the first place. Instead, they will have you continually chasing what they promised.
9. They talk badly about you to their friends
Usually, it takes a while for people to find out when someone’s talking ill of them, especially if they’re in a relationship with that person. If you find out that he’s ridiculing you to his friends, constantly complaining about you to his mom, or even posting unbecoming things about you online, it’s time to break up.
10. They invade your privacy or go through your things
This is an extremely bad sign if you find out that he’s read your diary, installed a keylogger on your computer, or put a tracker on your phone.
One, it shows that he doesn’t trust you. Two, it shows no respect for privacy or healthy boundaries. Three, it shows that he’s a controlling stalker. If you catch him snooping, it’s time to leave.
Privacy invasion in relationships reveals that while some privacy is essential, excessive snooping or lack of boundaries can damage trust and lead to conflict, with factors like distrust and attachment style playing a role. A 2024 review recommended open and honest communication about privacy expectations and boundaries, which is crucial for a healthy relationship.
