Questions to ask each other before marriage. Psychologist Andrea Bonaire suggests every couple discuss these things before they put a stamp on their passport. As a psychologist and advice columnist, I’ve met many people who are unhappy in their marriages. In some cases, crises like the death of loved ones, difficulties raising children, unanticipated illnesses, or financial setbacks were to blame. But in others, the difficulties initially manifested themselves in the form of daily conflicts over incompatibility.
If you are planning to join someone else or even just move in together, you need to address the following controversial issues. None of them should be considered a reason to break up because love can be a motivation to work on a relationship. But if you find problems early, you can save your union.
1. What differences do you like now that might become annoying in five years?
The irony of romantic love is that you may initially be drawn to your partner for traits that are the opposite of your own. His spontaneity seems exciting because you’re used to living life by a plan. Her tendency to take a break when she’s feeling a bit ill seems great because you push yourself to work even when you have the flu.
Other habits, related to biorhythms, careers, or hobbies, attract with their exoticism and novelty. But your own may eventually prevail. And then what used to fascinate will start to irritate.
2. How do you cope with stress, both individually and together?
What does your partner do when he gets stuck in traffic? How does he behave if he doesn’t get enough sleep? What if his parents have sudden health problems?
At the beginning of a relationship, you both try to be exemplary. But this makes it difficult to understand how each of you responds to pressure. And over the years of living together, there will be a lot of it. Even more important is to understand how you both respond to stress. Do you retreat and isolate yourself, or do you cope with it as a team?
3. How does your partner feel about drugs, alcohol and gambling?
Of course, addiction to drugs and gambling can arise suddenly. But more often than not, a potential addiction is foreseeable—you’re just afraid or unwilling to notice it. Or, when you’re young, endless partying seems normal. Once you have children, a union with an incorrigible party animal won’t seem such a good idea.
Take a closer look at your partner now. The sooner you notice potential problems, the greater the chance that they will be successfully resolved.
4. How do you get along in everyday life?
Imagine that next to you is not a loved one but just a roommate. How well do you get along? Do you agree on a comfortable temperature and sleep schedule? How do you solve issues related to cleaning, cooking, home improvement, pets,, and guests? Who keeps the accounts, and who calls a plumber if the toilet breaks? These are prosaic, but very important questions.
5. What do you think about children?
It is clear that before going to the registry office, you need to find out whether you both want children or not. However, it is important to discuss the details.
Let’s say you each vaguely envision yourself as a parent of two children. But what if the other one wants to have one child? What if you’re faced with infertility? Will you continue trying to get pregnant, or will you adopt a child from an orphanage? You need to dig deeper and explore all the nuances.
6. How do you react to conflict?
Examine your couple’s conflict management styles. Does one person always apologize first? Does the other person argue all the time? Or does one person need to yell and fight while the other needs to be quiet and cool off? Think about how you can improve the situation.
Healthy relationships involve honest and respectful communication, without games, passive aggressiveness, personal attacks, or violence.
7. How do you treat each other’s relatives?
You don’t have to be delighted with your partner’s family. But you do need to make sure that he is happy with your relationship with his family. It’s also worth understanding what to do if your partner can’t stand his parents, but you like them. Or if he wants to spend his vacation with his relatives, but you don’t. What role will they play in raising your future children? What if they need help or money? Or, on the contrary, will they start giving you money?
Often, the first family squabbles arise during the preparation for the wedding. Use them as an opportunity to practice in relationships.
8. How do you feel about money?
The more your financial views differ, the more strained your relationship will be. It is also important how big an apartment each of you wants to buy, how much you plan to save, and how much you are willing to lend to friends or relatives or tip the courier.
The more honestly you discuss these issues, the stronger the foundation of your union will be.
9. How much free time do you both need?
Everyone has different needs for solitude and for socializing with friends. If there is understanding and respect in a couple, these differences can be overcome. But if one hangs out with friends all night long, the other is sad at home, and both do not discuss the situation, too many grievances will accumulate.
10. What level of intimacy with others is acceptable for you?
Flirting style, emotional closeness with colleagues, relationships with friends—people differ in all these parameters. Of course, a modest woman without male friends can be happy next to a Don Juan who flirts with every waitress. But only if both accept each other’s behavior.
Consider whether you’d be okay with your partner sending emojis to a coworker while you’re in bed together. Would you be hurt if they ran into their ex without telling you? Every couple needs to set boundaries. Pretending everything is fine only adds to the feeling of betrayal.
11. Where do you plan to live?
Most people have an idea of where they want to settle down. Maybe their current city, maybe their childhood city, or maybe their parents’ home. And there’s nothing wrong with one adjusting to the other. But when one has a clear idea of where they want to live and the other doesn’t want to make a final decision or change their mind, expect disaster.
