5 Reasons So Many Good Men Stay In Relationships That Don’t Make Them Happy
Breaking up is hard to do, but if it’s the right thing, it must be done. So many of my male clients come to me because they want to break up with their girlfriend. They are clear she isn’t the right one for them, but still find it impossible to take action and initiate the break-up. This happens quite often with good guys who want to make the right decision.
While every relationship is different, they often carry common denominators that often make good men stay in relationships where they’re unhappy. While these are also reasons some women stay, this pattern is common among men, especially otherwise good guys.
Why so many men stay in relationships that don’t make them happy
1. They don’t want to cause her pain
Most men are concerned about hurting a woman, particularly one they have been emotionally involved with. Therefore, they strive to avoid causing pain to a woman. And this, I am afraid, only makes things worse.
Be honest, guys. Do you know you should break up with your girlfriend, but you don’t want to hurt her, so, instead, you pull back a little?
Are you not focusing the time and energy on her you used to?
Are you not being as affectionate and maybe even being distant?
Are you, perhaps, hoping she will be the one who ultimately breaks up with you?
You are not alone. A lot of men do this. But doing this will only cause your girlfriend more pain. Rather than removing the bandage abruptly and inflicting a sudden surge of intense pain, you are gradually removing it, prolonging the agony and exacerbating her suffering. Ironic, no?
The reality is if you break up with your girlfriend, yes, you will most likely hurt her. Break ups hurt. But she will get over it. She might suffer for a bit, but, in time, she will be fine. And, because you had the strength to let her go, she will have the opportunity to find someone who loves her and wants to live happily ever after with her.
2. The good times were really good times
If you’ve been with someone a while, you are guaranteed to have experienced good times together, and those things are hard to let go of, as suggested by research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. But that doesn’t mean a guy should stick around when he’s miserable.
But, guys, let’s be honest before breaking up: When you think about the beginning of your relationship, when things were fresh and new, you shared so much of yourself. Maybe one reason you’re holding back from breaking up is that you know there is more you could do to make it better.
But if it’s just that you remember a vacation you took, or that silly thing she did to make everyone laugh at your birthday party, it simply isn’t enough.
While these experiences were wonderful, they are in the past. They are over. Even if you stay together, they most likely won’t happen again because you are in a different place in your relationship, namely, you don’t love her anymore.
So, while you have had some very special times, they are no reason to hold on to her. Set her free so she can have new experiences with someone who loves her.
3. They don’t want to have to start dating again (and don’t want her to, either)
So many people stay with someone who isn’t the right person because they don’t want to get back in the dating world. The dating world is not always fun, and it’s exhausting. The thought of building another profile page for Hinge is just too much to bear. Even worse? They don’t want to see their ex out there!
Furthermore, you have invested time and energy into this relationship, time and energy you don’t want to have wasted. Time and energy you will have to spend building a new relationship.
Guys, I know it’s hard to throw away time invested in someone, but the time you have spent is a sunk cost. You spent it and it’s done. Time invested should never be a reason to stay with someone, and any more time you spend with someone who you have no future with is time wasted.
You probably don’t want her to start dating either. Even if you don’t love her, the idea of her being with someone else might not be very appealing.
Again, this is no reason to stay with someone. You are being incredibly selfish if you are staying with her for any reason other than that you are madly in love with her.
4. They love how she takes care of them
One of my male clients knows it’s time to break up with his girlfriend. He likes her and cares about her, but she isn’t the one for him. What she is, however, is an excellent caregiver.
One thing about women? Many of us love, love to take care of other people, often to a fault, as explored by an APA study. And many men appreciate being taken care of.
With my boyfriend, I do the laundry, cook dinner, keep the house tidy, plan our social life, etc., etc. I am not saying he sits around on the couch watching me hustle. He does some of the chores sometimes, but, in general, it’s on me. That’s OK. I like doing things for him (and doing them my way, to be fair).
If it was time to break up with me, my boyfriend would consider what it would be like to start having to do all of those things for himself. Probably not an attractive proposition, I am guessing.
Guys, are you having a hard time breaking up with your girlfriend in part because she takes such good care of you? If this is the case, I fear you will need to accept it and resume your own self-care. Alternatively, focus on improving your own well-being and release her from the situation. You might see your entire relationship improve!
5. They like easy access to love and affection
You might be rolling your eyes at this one, but I am guessing deep down, most people know what I am saying is the truth. Having a girlfriend means you have easy access to physical intimacy. And that is something not easy to let go.
Men, be honest. Even if you don’t love your girlfriend, I am guessing you enjoy being intimate with her. And the idea of not having someone in your bed who is happy to be with you is not appealing.
For a lot of men, physical intimacy is important and not always as easy to get as they might like. The idea of having to work harder for something so important that he can get it easily now is not appealing.
Are you staying with your girlfriend because of the intimacy? If you are, do her a favor. Let her go.
