4 Signs An Otherwise Good Marriage Is Developing A Serious Power Dynamic Problem
The biggest warnings are quiet and sneak up from with In marriage, the balance of control can shift slightly, depending on the circumstances, and still be OK. What isn’t OK is a power dynamic where one person is always in charge, and the other always secondary. Often, signs that the power dynamic is off in a marriage show up inside the home, first.
Sadly, in the middle of the chaos of marriage, it can be a challenge to recognize when the power dynamic is off. That’s why it’s important to pay attention to a few key signs that arise within the family dynamic — before the imbalance becomes irreversible.
1. One person makes all the decisions
The most common shifts in the power dynamic of a marriage is having one person be in charge of everything.
In some cases, the person with the control is the nurturer. This happens over a course of time as a family tries to juggle all of the balls of school, work, sports, extended family, and more. Usually, the nurturer takes responsibility for planning and executing because task management is a skill they have. So they take over and everything is their call.
In some cases, it’s the provider who has all of the control in a marriage. This can happen for a variety of reasons. A nurturer might be accustomed to having a provider in charge if they had that parental model while growing up. In some religions, the man is the head of the household, period. In these cases, there can be an emotional/physical abuse dynamic that leads the woman to give away all control to her husband, as evidenced by a meta-analysis in the Journal of Family Violence.
Whether it’s the provider or the nurturer, if one person in the relationship is responsible for the lion’s share of their life, the balance of control is off balance.
2. One person’s head is always down, avoiding drama
Do you never speak up because you don’t want to cause a fuss? Do you have opinions but don’t share them because you are afraid you will be on the receiving end of a negative reaction? Would you rather go along to keep the peace and avoid drama?
If the answer is yes, you are not alone! Many people in marriages just want to keep the peace and swallow their words and feelings. Marriage is an emotional challenge and there can be a lot of issues that come up. When repeated issues arise, the idea of dealing with them again can be too much for one spouse to deal with. So, they keep their mouths shut to grin and bear it.
While I understand the idea of preventing drama, repeatedly not speaking up out of fear of reprisal, big or small, is not healthy.
Over time, not speaking up in your relationship will cause resentment and a sense of contempt from your spouse. If you never proffer an opinion, your spouse will notice and might see this as a sign of weakness, which a study in Women’s Health Issues showed can be hard to respect in a marriage.
I encourage you to speak up, at least some of the time, despite whatever the result might be for the sake of your self-esteem and to maintain the respect of your partner.
3. The family spends more time with one extended family than the other
People spend more time with one extended family than they do the other. Of course, this could be a convenience thing.
Perhaps your family lives closer, the kids are the same age, or your schedules align. But, if that isn’t the issue, if convenience isn’t the reason you spend more time with your spouse’s family than with yours. In many marriages where the power dynamic is off, one spouse insists more time is spent with their extended family.
When I was growing up, we spent way more time with my mom’s family than my dad’s. Part of that was because my dad wasn’t attached to seeing his family, but it happened primarily because my mom didn’t like my dad’s mom and insisted we spend as little time with them as possible. As a result, holidays were spent with my mom’s family and we rarely saw my dad’s! To this day, we know my mom’s family way better.
To keep the peace, my dad was willing to give in to my mom’s control. Their marriage, I am sure you aren’t surprised, didn’t last.
4. Only one person is interested in a physical relationship
This happens in marriages where the power dynamic is off because one spouse is only intimate with the other, not because they want to, but because they know their spouse wants it, as suggested by an APA study on the role of power in intimate relationships.
I have seen this from both sides of the equation: a wife person has little or no interest in being physical, and yet they are intimate with their spouse every week because they know their husband expects it. It’s easier to do than deal with any crabbiness or whatever else might arise.
It can happen with husbands, too. They don’t want to be physically intimate in any way, for whatever reason. But because his wife brings it up all the time, he ultimately gives in to make her happy.
In both of these cases, when married couples are together for any other reason than because they want to, the power dynamic is off and this is something to address.
