It’s been quite a ride. I’ve been through so much you can’t even start to imagine. I think if you had to live in my mind for even a day, you wouldn’t make it. You wouldn’t be able to endure all the pain I’ve felt.
But, you know what? That passes. First it consumes you. You don’t have the will to live. You don’t have any strength to get up in the morning.
Your whole world just vanishes. Everything you knew and trusted is suddenly gone.
Then you’re faced with survival. Then you have to learn to let things go and move on. For your own sake. For the sake of your sanity and your emotional and physical wellbeing.
It’s been quite a ride as I’ve already said. It took me so long to get to the point where I am now. And I want you to know that my heart moved on. I want you to know that we are okay.
I forgave you, but I never want to see you again.
It still hurts, and it will for much longer. But I’m at peace now, and there is nothing in this world that can bring me down, that can disturb the serenity I’ve created for myself.
I’m finally ready to take all the anger and bitterness I’ve felt for you and put it behind me.
I didn’t like myself when I was sad and angry. It changed me, and it made me do and feel things I would never do and feel. The anger I felt for you pulled out the worst in me.
I’m glad that I shook it off because my life is at stake. With that much bitterness inside me, I actually chased away people that cared for me, people that wanted me to get better.
I didn’t see that then. I was blinded by the pain, by the sadness and loneliness.
Back then, I blamed myself for the downfall we went through. But, today I realize that it was never all my fault. Of course, it takes two to tango, and it’s never just one person’s fault.
Maybe I should have been more reasonable. Maybe I should have given you more compassion. But, for what? You never showed that you cared. You never made any efforts or tried to convince me that things were going to be better.
I mean, you did try, but that was only when I had had enough. That was only when I was about to leave, so you lied, saying you were going to change, but you knew that you wouldn’t. You did it just to make me stay.
I know now that I deserve better. Huh, isn’t this a total cliche? But you know what, it’s true. There is no better way to put how I feel than to say, “I deserve better!”
I didn’t deserve how you treated me, but I blame myself for not putting a stop to it. I could have sobered up a long time ago. But, what’s done is done. I’m looking forward now.
I don’t hate you because I don’t have to. Hating you won’t erase all the bad memories. It won’t change you or make anything better. It will only make me feel worse than I already do. It can only change me and turn me into a person I don’t want to be.
So, no, I don’t hate you.
I don’t resent you for anything. I realized that by turning you into the center of my attention by being angry and bitter, I’m giving you the attention and power you don’t deserve.
So the best thing I could do was to simply let you go and forgive you every little hurtful thing you did to me.
If I kept thinking about you, I would have never found closure. This way, I sleep peaceful at night. This way I don’t have to feel guilty about anything.
My heart is at peace because I’ve moved on without anyone’s help. I gave myself the closure I needed.
The only thing I want further in my life is to never see you again. I don’t want you to be any part of my life. I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to hear from you. In my mind, you’ve never existed, and I’d like to keep it that way.
I’m not doing this because I’m scared that I’ll get back together with you. I’m doing this because I’m scared I might hate you, and I don’t want that. We’re perfectly fine—just go away.
Let me build the life I want to live. Leave me alone, and don’t mess up everything I’ve worked so hard for—my peace, my self-respect and my love for myself.
My life is so much better without you in it. I don’t want to screw that up.
