One way or another, my depression has always had an impact on my relationships. Due to my condition, I have never been able to fully allow myself to be happy nor to appreciate my partner the way he deserved.
No matter how good of a day it was, there was always a dark cloud hanging over my head, just refusing to leave and never allowing the sun to shine on me, even on my best days.
It was always a struggle to find something to hold onto. To find someone who could guide me through this troubling time and make me see there was a light at the end of the tunnel that was my life, no matter how cloudy it got.
One day, I did manage to find someone who understood. Someone who wasn’t afraid of my depression and never tried to change it, because he understood it was not something that could just go away when I wished it to. He knew that this was something deeply engraved in me and he respected the way I was handling it and wasn’t wary of tackling this issue with me.
But I was. My state has never allowed for any of my relationships to last, no matter how badly I wanted them to. At the same time, there I was, trying to salvage the one thing that didn’t make me feel even more depressed than I normally was and also pushing him away because I knew he deserved much more than my frail self could ever offer him.
I wanted more for him, because I knew I couldn’t give him 100% of myself. And now I am left to my own devices… yet again. Not knowing if I should give up on myself or try harder. This mental state really isn’t something to take lightly, it affects you much more profoundly than anyone would like and in more ways than one.
I scrutinized everything he did. I could never find solace in anything he would tell me. I read too much into everything he did and I tormented my soul by never being able to run away from my toxic thoughts. I wish I could’ve been different. I wish I could be that simple and easy to be around… but my mental state never allowed me to have any peace of mind. I was always on the verge of breaking down and the smallest things affected my thought process. I knew this was wrong but I couldn’t escape myself…
My perpetual moodiness affected him. I would always try so hard to be happy around him. I really wanted him to see that I could be that joyous, unbothered girl he thought he fell in love with, but with my every changing mood, I saw how much it rubbed off on him. Little by little, I saw my dark ways affected him more than I hoped and I just couldn’t bear seeing him unhappy due to my closeness. It was such a struggle. I wanted to be by his side so much… but at the same time, it wasn’t healthy for him to be near me.
I could never let myself get too close. I wanted to. Boy, how I wanted to. But I was scared! What if I allowed myself to become too attached and then when he realized that I was simply too much to handle, he left me? How could I cope with that? I was weak enough as it was… I didn’t have the strength to endure losing the one whose touch was the only thing that made me feel alive in this dark world of mine.
I never meant for him to feel I didn’t love him. I hope he knows that. I loved him so much, I still do. I just couldn’t bring myself to show my vulnerable side to him… at least not fully. I always held back a little. I was scared he would leave me if I showed him the depth of my affection for him.
But in the end… it didn’t matter. Here I am, alone, yet again… left to my gloomy thoughts and broken perception of myself. I don’t even blame him. He held on for as long as he could. I was too scared to be fully invested and I think he knows that. He wasn’t the problem… I was.
I pray for the day I find a way to not let this affect me this much. I pray for the day I manage to let myself love and never hold back. I have to believe that there is someone out there for me. Someone who can ease me into this relationship stuff and help make me open up to love. I choose to believe that my one is out there, waiting to find me.
This is not going to be the end of me. I will always try to get myself back up from any hole that I dug for myself. My depression is not all of me, it is a part of me, and I am going to let the other part overpower the broken part and find the love and closeness I crave and deserve.