I held onto my foolish hopes about us for as long as I could. Regardless of everything, I’ve always been the perpetual optimist when it comes to romance, and you are no exception.
I always expect the best, even when the evidence of it not being the case is staring me right in my disheartened face. What can I say? I’m a sucker for love.
I made every excuse I possibly could to not lose touch with you. Even if there was absolutely no reason for us to communicate, I would make something up, just so that I could still feel your presence in my life, in any way I could get it.
I refused to admit to myself that you had already cut me out of your life by then.
It took a lot of anger and resentment on my part to accept the fact we were done. While I was trying to salvage what I believed was left of us, what I failed to see was that there was no ‘us’ left. It was just me and my desperate attempts to get us back to what we were, but hadn’t been for a long time.
I was so foolishly trying to make us overcome the obstacles that came our way that I didn’t see you had already moved on. That was the final nail in the coffin for me. That is when I realized what I had been so scared to admit to myself.
We were long over, and you had already replaced me with someone new.
It was a rude awakening for me. I had to let go of the fantasy that you still had some lingering feelings for me the way I did for you.
I was still so in love with you that seeing you with someone new was the like a dagger being stuck into my chest repeatedly.
At the time, it was painful AF but today I see it was what was necessary for me to finally lose the idea of you in my future. You didn’t belong there anymore. And as much as it pained me to say, I thank God I saw you with her. I don’t know if I would’ve been able to pull through otherwise.
That was the last time I had any contact with you. That was when I decided that it was enough.
By that time, I was the only one who was causing myself pain and misery. I was the only one who was denying myself the process of healing that I so desperately needed.
So, I finally took responsibility for my actions. I could no longer go on like that and be blaming you when I was the only one not moving on, still hung up on an old love who hadn’t been in my life for months.
I have to admit, even though I consciously decided I wouldn’t contact you ever again, I still kept track of your new love life. I needed to know what she was like and what it was about her that made you forget about me so easily.
But then it hit me. For as long as I kept paying you attention with any thoughts whatsoever, I was not allowing myself to move on. You had so clearly moved on, it was time I completely crossed you off my list and never think of you again.
It hurt like hell but I did it. I stopped following your life. I stopped asking mutual friends about you. I decided to forget you existed. And it was the best decision I ever made.
I know that our relationship was real. We had some good times. I’m never going to regret any of it. I guess we just ran our course. It was merely a matter of accepting it. It took me a little longer than I would’ve liked but here I am. Ready to get hurt again.
I have crawled out of my hole that I had so ineptly dug for myself. I can see a glimpse of the bright light again. And most importantly, I accept that we weren’t meant to be.
I’m not the woman you were supposed to spend your forever with and now I can finally say it out loud and not break into a million pieces. I’m finally okay.