I let myself fall for you—hard. I let myself be the one who cares too much and who takes all the steps to try and make it work because I wanted you to be in my life and I wanted you to be happy. Somehow, those two didn’t go well together because you decided that loving me didn’t make you happy.
I can’t force you to have the same flattering butterflies in your stomach or those same exploding, little bundles of joy when we’re together. It isn’t as simple as that. We can’t force people into loving us. The only thing we can do is give up once they stop caring.
This is what made me fall into an abyss of desperation when you decided to leave and move on without me. I didn’t know what to do but cry and deny the fact that you didn’t love me enough to stay. You didn’t see a reason to stay by my side, when I couldn’t imagine a life without you. How can I explain this to anyone who hasn’t experienced it?
You see, sometimes you don’t stop caring when the other person does—when they don’t look at you with the same eyes that you looked at them with. For example, their eyes see someone that was once in their life but now there’s nothing holding you on to them anymore—while my eyes still see the only person they want to look at every morning when they wake up. It’s just not fair.
Working on getting over these types of breakups is the hardest thing I’ve ever seen. It’s the hardest thing I have ever gone through. But I’ll keep on moving so that one day, I can stop caring about you just like you stopped caring about me.
The thing that confuses me though is that you gave up on everything we had and that wasn’t really such a little thing. You gave up on our midnight talks and our morning cuddles. You gave up on the future we planned out and the past we shared. You gave up on us. You gave up on the people who swore eternity to each other. You simply gave up.
What am I supposed to think about this when there is nothing I can do today besides sticking my head between my knees and waiting for it all to get better? But I will get better. I strongly believe in that. I believe that I will survive you and that I will, one day, become much stronger.
This whole situation makes me question the existence of ‘forever’ in love. there is no one out there ready to work through the hard times and see the good things in other people, the whole situation can only make sure to point out your flaws and break your confidence.
Does anyone stay? Does anyone have the courage to love genuinely and unconditionally? I wouldn’t know. When I thought that I had finally found someone ready to dedicate their energy into loving me, they left. So how can I ever be sure about it again? I will forever question the words and actions of people just because you did what you did.
No matter how hard it may be right now, I would be lying if I said that I didn’t whisper prayers for you each night. I would be lying if I said that I don’t wish for your happiness each time I see a couple passing by me on the street. I would even be lying if I said that I don’t want to spend my life by your side. But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s not worth the wait and it’s not worth the pain. I’ll keep moving, too.
I’ll keep moving and growing so maybe one day, I’ll even stop caring. Who knows? Maybe it’ll be the most liberating feeling ever. Maybe my life will start anew. For now, I will need time. I will need a lot of time and self-care to continue my life without you.