I always dreamed of a love who brings you chocolate when you’re sad and roses when you’re going out. A love who wins you teddy bears and gets sticky with cotton candy. A love who gives you butterflies and makes you dance around in the morning when you wake up. But right now, I want something real. I want it to be real when everything else is not.
I want a love who holds me tight when sorrow tears me apart. A love who has the power of holding me in one piece, a love that endures and stays. I want that love who will make me feel wanted even when I don’t want to be around myself. I want that love to give me a reason to fight and hope it’ll last.
I want a love who will spoil me with loyalty, not gifts. I want to feel like I’m the only woman in the world and to go to bed without wondering if I’m good enough. I have had enough of games and lies. Enough of feeling betrayed and humiliated with gifts that are supposed to make me feel better. There are not enough roses in this world that can fill up the hole in my heart that betrayal left. There is no diamond big enough that can hide the fact that the person who was supposed to stay by my side cheated on me. And there is no chocolate sweet enough that can wash away the bitter taste that pain leaves in my mouth.
So, I want a love who will spoil me with kindness and love. That sweet kind of love who chases away my fears and nightmares. That love who will love my scars and love me for who I am. I don’t want expensive dresses and fake compliments. I don’t want to hear how I would look better if I wore this and that. Because I love myself this way. I love my skinny jeans and my superhero t-shirts. I love my freckles and my crazy, electrocuted hair. It took me too long to love them as they are to let anyone take them away from me, to let anyone change any aspect of who I am, just because I don’t fit into their mold of perfection.
I want a love who will see me. The real me. I want a love who will see the fire in my eyes and the blue in my soul. I want a love who will see the passion and love behind these walls. And I want that love to make them tumble down. Not with sweet words and gifts but with love and care. With actions. With a warm embrace, a gentle touch and a soft voice. With honesty and loyalty.
I want a love that will stay. I don’t want another fling with an expiration date. I don’t want another relationship where I give parts of myself to make the other person whole. I can’t keep on rebuilding myself, picking up the pieces once they’re gone and trying to make it through another heartbreak while they dance away with everything I gave them. I don’t want another give-and-take relationship. I don’t want another game of power where I have to prove my worth and my love.
I want a love who knows. A love who knows that when I laugh away the compliments, it’s not because I want to insult them, it’s because I’m not used to them. A love who knows that when I need time alone, I still love them. A love who knows when to share silence with me and when to hold me tight. A love who knows we are meant to strive together, to fight and love together and not drain each other of emotions and strength.
Chocolate and roses are great. But I want real love. I want that evergreen love.