Hey baby, it’s been some time. I guess I don’t have any right to ask you how you’ve been? But still, I hope you’re doing great. I hope that you’re happy and that you found someone who needs your help more than I did. You always had the need to fix people, but I never needed you to do that for me. I just needed your support while I did it myself.
I never needed you to show me how special I am, I needed to see that for myself. I needed to see who I am without your love. I needed to see what I can do without you holding my back. I needed to be alone in order to get to know myself. I hoped that you will be there. I hoped that you will accompany me along the way. But you never did—you could never understand why I had to do this by myself.
You could never understand why I needed to see my worth myself. Because, you see, I was so manipulated and beaten to death that had I lost so much of myself and I never hoped to get those parts back. I lost my confidence, I lost my strength and I lost my worth. I let other people take them, because I couldn’t see them myself. And that’s why I needed to regain them back all by myself, because it wasn’t you who took them. It’s not you who should bring them back. I had to do it myself, because if I hadn’t, I would lose them all over again the moment you walk out of my life.
You could never understand why I needed to find the beauty in me by myself. Yes, you told me millions of times how amazing I am, how beautiful I am. But I never saw any of that. I never saw the way my face lights up. I never saw cuteness in my wrinkles and I never saw the beauty in my scars. I hated myself, my body, my bruised soul and my story. How could I ever find the beauty in all of that if I hated it? No words you said could help me see it, because I couldn’t see it myself. I couldn’t see that woman you fell in love with, because I believed she was long gone. I believed that someday you will see me the way I used to see myself and that you will leave.
You could never understand why I needed to learn to love myself. You loved me, you loved me more than I could ever believe someone can love me. You loved me with that stupid kind of love that made you walk around the mall with me buying makeup. You loved me with that stupid kind of love that made you watch The Flash with me, even though you’re diehard Marvel fan. But I needed to learn how to love myself. I needed to fall in love with myself, with my past and who I am. I needed to fall in love with this broken woman who learned how to stand on her on. I needed to fall in love with myself, so I could properly fall in love with you.
I hope that you understand that I loved you. I hope that you understand that I never wanted to push you away, I never wanted you to fix me because I had to do that myself. I needed to understand that I may be broken, but I’m not less worthy because of it. I needed to understand that I can still love even though my heart is shattered to pieces. I needed to understand that I can’t lose myself if I know my worth. And I needed for you to understand that I never loved you any less because I learned how to love myself more. But somehow, you couldn’t see that. Somehow, you felt betrayed because I needed distance. You felt hurt because I decided that I don’t need your help.
I really hope that you’re still the man I once loved because some girl will be the luckiest woman to have you. Someone who’s not broken as I was; someone who knows how to love herself and how to love you. And I hope that you understand that I never needed you to fix me. I just needed you to hold me, while I did it myself.
With all my love, your tiny Flash.
