You think I wouldn’t want to be normal? You think I cause all the mess we go through because that’s the way I like it? You think I’m one of those who likes to confuse people and send mixed signals? None of that is true.
I would kill to be normal. But having a mess in my life is the only way I know how to live. I don’t want to send mixed signals but half of my life I have no idea what I want because I’m sure that no matter what I choose in life, my dear friend anxiety will force me to change my decision. I also don’t like it but unlike you, I don’t really have a choice, I have to live with it.
I’d also like to wake up with a smile on my face, eager to embrace everything that the day has to offer me. But unfortunately, I wake up with a tight knot in my stomach, worried sick about everything that might go wrong that day. And each day starts the same.
I know my anxiety makes it hard for you to love me but it makes it hard for me to live, too.
You say it’s all in my head and that I could control it if I tried hard enough. You think I haven’t already? You think I don’t know this? But you have no idea how it feels to have a restless army of thoughts in my head that won’t go away. Nothing I do works, anxiety has occupied my mind and it isn’t leaving.
You have no idea how hard it is to focus on what someone is saying while my anxiety and my insecurities are attacking each cell I have in my body.
For example, the other day you were trying to make plans for me and your friends together and I instantly panicked. I panicked about the idea of being surrounded by your friends, that’s how irrational my anxiety is. You probably went on and on and explained the whole plan in detail but the moment you started the topic I was unable to hear anything else.
You talked and I got overwhelmed. I panicked. I got scared. What if they don’t like me? What if I say something stupid? What if I embarrass myself or if I embarrass you? What if they ask me something personal and I blush or start mumbling? What if I get awkward, what if they think I’m not good enough and that you should get someone who’s normal and doesn’t carry so much baggage?
See, it was a simple, mundane task and I ruined that too. My anxiety ruined it actually but it’s the same thing. What seemed to be a normal thing to you turned out to be my nightmare. It brought all my demons to the surface and once again I forgot that you don’t care what others think of me. I forgot that you love me whether your friends accept me or not. I forgot I promised I’d never think badly about myself. I forgot it all.
I know I made you feel like you need to tiptoe around me. I know I confuse you as much as I am confused. I know that I leave you speechless and stunned at times. I know you don’t understand. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I can’t explain myself, I’m sorry I have irrational fears, I’m sorry my palms get sweaty when we meet someone you know on the street and that I’m unable to speak at all.
I know it would be much more fun to fall for a girl with a restless spirit than it is to be in love with a paranoid and anxious girl. I know it would be much easier to be with a girl who is fearless but you chose me the way I am and I can’t tell you how much that means to me.
I understand it’s hard and even though I don’t want you to leave me, I’d understand if one day you walked away. I always fear this love will become a burden to you but I wouldn’t blame you for not being able to put up with me anymore. Hell, it’s hard for me, who should’ve learned to live with it by now, so I can’t even begin to guess how it feels for you.
I’m sorry if it takes me so long to respond to your messages, if you wait too long for me to make a decision, I’m sorry for making plans I usually don’t follow through on, I’m sorry for always being late, for thinking too much before I speak, I’m sorry for making you doubt yourself because of my own insecurities. I wish I could make it all go away but I can’t. I can only love you and hope it will be enough.
I know it’s hard. I know I’m a mess. I know what I’m doing to you and I’m sorry. But know that you’re the only thing in this world who makes me try so hard. You’re the only reason I manage to fight my anxiety and you’re the only one who motivates me to get out of my comfort zone and do the things I know I wouldn’t be able to do alone.
I’m sorry for being hard to love but I’m grateful for having someone like you to be there for me even when I don’t deserve it. Thank you for staying and being there for me even when I’m unlovable. Thank you for choosing me even if you can have a million others. Thank you for loving me together with my flaws.
Thank you for loving me even when it’s hard. Because of you, I’m a little less scared to live.
