I don’t know if you’ve ever felt those chills during cold mornings when you wake up alone, with no one to kiss and no one to say good morning to. Those mornings were so lonely and I wasn’t able to get out of bed without crying. I must seem desperate, I’m sorry. But when you dedicate years and years to one person who left you when you needed them the most, you start to imagine them around. You talk while imagining them near you and how they are listening to you. Those moments when I imagined him by my side were so hopelessly painful.
When I went out of my way and welcomed you in my life, I knew that you were going to be one of those nice guys people told me about. Somehow, I didn’t believe that you existed. Who can blame me? After all those heartbreaks and cried out tears, my mind stopped believing that men like you existed!
You said that I was the most beautiful woman you saw and that my smile could brighten up even the darkest night. My heart skipped a beat and my throat was full of words I wanted to spill out at that moment. I didn’t think that you were going to be one of those fuckboys.
From our first date and that wonderful walk in the park, I actually saw something new in you, something I didn’t see (or feel) before. You were a wonderful human being. And that scared me. A lot.
I didn’t know how to behave at the beginning but you thought that it was cute. You fell head over heels for me. Without even knowing, I fell for you, too.
You overloaded me with gifts of unconditional love and affection. So the day came where you sat me down, to tell you the story hiding behind my broken heart and the walls I built up. Without thinking twice, I told you everything. From the very beginning. I told you that he would verbally abuse me until the point where I would scream in agony, that he would bring home his ”female friends” just to compare me to them constantly. And I told you how they would, right in front of my eyes, flirt with each other and go into his room. I would just leave. You’re wondering why I stayed so long? He’d always come to me to beg for forgiveness, asking me to take him back, sometimes he was even crying. What would you have done in my place?
This is the part where you hugged me and started whispering the most heartwarming things. You told me how you will love and cherish me and that nothing like that will ever again happen to me. So, I freaked.
I didn’t let it show then but when I got home, I burst out in tears and I really did not know how to handle your kindness. I started to write down all those wonderful things you would tell me just so I could hold on to them when you would leave. If you leave, I mean.
You couldn’t help but notice that I started to become colder and colder to you. You began to wonder if you did something wrong to insult me, but it wasn’t you, my dear. It was never you. You couldn’t help but be the nicest person to me, ever! So, this is why I built up even higher walls to protect myself in case you left me. I didn’t want you to leave. I cried myself to sleep every night because I imagined you being fed up with me. I guess it’s the aftermath of an abuser. Today, I don’t know how to deal with abandonment!
No matter how many times you’d tell me that you loved me and would never leave, the fear was always present! So, I began to think a bit more into this.
Did you ever do something that made me feel insecure? No. Had you ever done something to show me that you didn’t care? No. Had you ever said something to insult me? No. Were you the sweetest person to me? YES!
So, why was I still so afraid? I was afraid that you would leave like everyone else in my life did. That’s why I wanted to apologize for all the walls you’ll still have to dig through, all the nights I would burst out in tears and wake you up, all those times I yelled at you. Everything. I’m sorry. I am really, truly, sorry.
Also, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for the person you made out of me. You made me believe in love again! I want to thank you for all those times you were there for me and all those wonderful hugs. Thank you.
Despite the fact that all those things made me fear the possibility that you might leave me someday, I am thankful. You make me forget about that every time you looked me in the eyes and years have passed since you first told me that you loved me. You’re still here? Yes. Yes you are.