It’s a challenge. Knowing that you can’t control yourself, knowing that your anxiety may kick in when you least expect it. It’s a huge burden to live with but you have no choice.
Either you fight to win, or you lose.
Living with your restless mind is something only the strongest people can do. That’s why all of us who suffer from anxiety are the strongest ones out there.
We are constantly fighting our own mind. We’re fighting against rotten thoughts that make us uncomfortable and scared. We are ready for them to kick in when we least expect it.
And when they do, when our anxiety gets the best of us, nothing else matters. Everything else stops and it’s up to us now. It’s up to us whether we come out of that confusing moment as a winner or as a loser.
There is no magic formula to get rid of the toxic thoughts that consume us all of a sudden. There is no way to deal with it and make it work every time. There is only you. Your strength and your determination.
It’s so hard to explain what goes around our mind when we fall under the attack of anxiety. There are no words that can explain that. There is simply no way to put it straight.
Anxiety makes us feel all alone and scared. Like the whole world has plotted against us and everywhere we go, we see potential threats.
Every possible scenario we create in our mind ends up being the worst one. It’s possible to go from just having a nice and quiet afternoon to imagining a horrible thing that makes us feel insecure and scared. And then we close up inside ourself.
It’s not easy to live like that but you of all people know that. And you love me despite it all.
You know that…
Despite the fact of how much I love you and I know how much you love me, there is still the fear rolling around inside of me that you’ll get sick of me and leave.
No matter what you do or how you show me your unconditional love, somewhere far in the back of my head, I’m scared.
I’m scared that you’ll get sick of me. I’m scared that you’ll leave me. I’m scared that one day you won’t have any more strength to put up with my fears and insecurities and that you’ll say you’ve had enough.
I’m just scared that no matter what I do, I will never be good enough.
You know that I build emotional walls around me because I’m scared of getting hurt. I’m scared of rejection and I take precautions.
I’m always one step ahead and you don’t hold a grudge because of it. You get it and you let me act the way that makes me feel safe.
When I’m lying awake at night, you know why I can’t sleep. Any other man would leave me alone, letting me deal with my own problems by myself. But you are there for me whenever I need you. Even if you’re not in the room, I know you are there for me.
You know that I’m overthinking at that moment. You know that I’m desperately thinking back days and hours to see if I did something wrong. I’m rewinding my every move to make sure that I didn’t screw something up.
You know why my hands get sweaty and shaky every time I have to do something delicate. You know that I don’t choose to be like this.
When we first met, I couldn’t hold your hand because mine would get sweaty, it would irritate me. I couldn’t bear another human’s touch.
But you gave it time and after a while, we began to walk holding hands and I didn’t even notice it.
You simply know when I’m afraid to be alone with my thoughts. You can see it in my eyes. You just know when I’m not ready to be left.
And no matter what you have to do, you’ll drop everything just to be there for me.
You always put me first and that’s how I know how much you love me.
Yes, I know that’s selfish sometimes but that’s the way I work and I can’t help it. My fears are so much bigger than that and if being called selfish is the price I have to pay just to feel free from the imprisonment of anxiety, then I’ll take it.
You know that I hate confrontation and you don’t give it to me. When you’re angry, when you’re not satisfied, you won’t take it all out on me. You wait just to be sure that you can talk to me without me seeing it as an attack.
Thank you for that.
You know how hard it is for me to not take things personally. You know how hard it is to turn off that freakin’ anxiety every time I’m confronted with a new and unfamiliar situation.
You know that I need some time to adapt and you give it to me every time.
I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I just need you to understand me and I thank God every day that you do.
You are right by my side emotionally and physically every time I’m pushed out of my comfort zone.
You know how hard it is for me to accept everything new that comes my way and you don’t force me. You let me take my time and you slowly follow me with those baby steps I take toward the win.
And while you are here for me in the good and the bad, I will be there for you for the rest of our lives. I will be loyal and I’ll love you like no one else ever loved you.
Thank you for everything you’re doing from one day to the next.
It’s a struggle but we’re both winning.