If I Did Anything Right In My Life, It Was When I Decided To Let You Go
I make mistakes and I tend to repeat them. I fall in love with the wrong people, I give my trust to people who don’t deserve it. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I hope that somehow it won’t get broken. It was the same thing with you. You had a nasty habit of breaking me over and over again, and I let you do it, because I hoped you’d stop. If I loved you hard enough, if I tried hard enough, you’d finally love me the way I loved you.
But you never did.
I let you make me doubt myself. All your comments on my looks, like how I could lose some weight, how I could wear my hair differently, how I should put more make-up on. All those times you would show me a random woman in a bar and keep talking about how I could be her if I just tried a little bit harder. All those times you would make fun of my job and my salary, saying how writing wasn’t a real job. All those times you would put me down, I would hate myself a little bit more. But no more.
I let you cut me off from my people. Spending time with you in the beginning was amazing. Getting to know you, to know your body and how it moved with mine, was like my drug. But somehow you became the only person I spent my days and nights with. You guilt-tripped me into spending every single minute of my free time with you, and if I wasn’t spending it with you, I was still waiting for you. But no more.
I let you make me feel unlovable. I was constantly thinking it was me. It was because I was not good enough, it was because I didn’t try hard enough. It was because I was not pretty enough, I was not skinny enough, I was not smart enough. I was just not enough. I let you make me feel like it was all my fault. All your abusive behavior, the toxic hell you put me through, I believed it was all my fault. But no more.
I let you break me, over and over. Every time I would stare at an empty screen, I would break. Every time you looked at another woman the way you never looked at me, I would break a little bit more. Every time you would put me down, every time you left me out, every time you decided to choose yourself instead of us, I would break. Every time I would fall asleep alone in an empty bed, every time I would come home to no one, every time I felt lonely next to you, I would break. But no more.
Now I’m letting you go. I’m done being the one choice you never made, I’m done being your trash can for all of your failures. I’m done feeling unworthy, unlovable. I’m done with you. I tend to repeat mistakes, but this one—no more. Because, you see, if I did anything right in my life, it was when I decided to let you go. Now I know my worth, I know I’m more than enough. I finally know it was never my fault. And I finally know that letting go sometimes is better than fighting, because some relationships are not meant to be. Some people are not worthy of tears and hurting, and sure as hell, you were never worthy of mine. So, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you for never loving me, because I learned to love myself. And thank you for giving me the chance to finally do the right thing—to choose myself over you.