Shhh, I am trying to make my thoughts stop arising. I am trying to quit thinking about you because every thought about what we had tears my heart apart. And it keeps going—on and on.
The only thing I think of is you. Your love. The love that captured my heart so much that I forgot what it means to be myself again. I loved you. I really did.
But you didn’t know how to cherish what we had. You failed to see a woman to love in front of you. And I gave myself all in. I gave you my heart and my soul but what I got in return was just pain. Enormous pain that is still here. And no matter what I do, I can’t shake it away.
You know, I loved you once. But all I feel now is indifference which is totally the opposite of love. I loved you but my biggest mistake was that I couldn’t accept you the way you were.
And God knows what a toxic man you were. So, I tried to change you. Every day was a new battle for me. And every day I lost that battle. But I was stubborn, and I kept repeating the same scenario. I thought we will be fine if you change.
I was willing to change. I loved the same things you did. I spent time with your toxic friends just because of you. I was walking on eggshells so you could feel okay. And in all that mess, I forgot my needs and my emotions.
So, now, after so much time spent alone, I finally got it. I can’t change who you are. I can just accept you or pack my bags and leave.
Because what you don’t understand is that it takes two to tango. And I don’t see you are putting any effort to keep me close.
So, why would I keep trying?
You are not a man—you are a mistake!
My biggest mistake that cost me my nerves. A mistake that made me do things that I thought I would never do. You are the one who made me think that I was guilty of everything that was happening to us. But the harsh truth is that I wasn’t. What kind of idiot do you think I am? Do you really think you are so special that I will gamble my life with you?
Getting your leftovers and craving for some love. NO!
That’s not a life I deserve. You are not a man I deserve. I deserve so much more and let’s face it, darling—you can’t provide me with that.
You are just one toxic man more in my life. But I am smart enough to make a boundary. I won’t let you bring me down every time you get high. I won’t let you kiss me while I feel her smell on your body.
I won’t let you play with my feelings anymore. I won’t. Do you know why?
Because I can!
After all these years of living in a toxic relationship, I figured out that I only have one life. And I don’t want to waste it on someone who doesn’t give a damn about me. I would rather be alone than in bad company.
So, my darling, this is your wakeup call!
You need to get your shit together if you want to stay with me! Because I ain’t gonna put up with your crap anymore. I transformed into a beast and nothing you do can bring me down. I know I am worthy. But the problem is that you are not.
If you ever want to get back to me, you should know that I won’t be there, waiting for you to come to my hug. You made this monster out of me so deal with the consequences now.
In the end, if you are still thinking whether I love you, I would be pleased to give you an answer. So listen to me carefully: “I love you. Yes, I do. BUT I love me more!”