I’ve fallen into the holiday blues, and I don’t know how to snap out of them.
I feel like you should be by my side, but you are not here.
You haven’t been a part of my life for a long long time, and though I am generally fine with all of it, there are days in which I miss you.
I miss us and what we could have been.
I miss having you close.
I miss you wrapping me in your embrace.
I miss our talks and the way you would tuck my hair behind my ear.
I’m not always this nostalgic.
I guess there is just something about this time of the year that makes things so hard.
My life paused the moment you left me, but it didn’t stop.
In the beginning, I was broken so hard I thought I would never be fixed again. But as time went by, I decided I’m not going to give up on myself.
Since then, my life has been one small battle after another, but I am determined to win the war.
So, I got up every day, went to work, made plans, hung out with my family and friends, got dressed, and showed up where I was supposed to—even when I didn’t feel like it.
I guess you left me no other choice.
It was either that or spending the whole day in bed, feeling sorry for myself.
In my mind, that was not an option, so I worked on myself and my new life without you.
I was crushed, but I kept picking up the pieces and gluing them back together.
I was scared, but I was going forward.
I was so unsure of myself, but I rebuilt my confidence from scratch.
I kept falling and getting up. I had (and still have) good days and bad days—like these December days when I miss you more than usual.
I had days where I felt like giving up but I never did.
That was the thing that made all the difference: I never gave up on myself.
Regardless of the struggles, pain, and hurt, I kept going forward, and with every step I took, I was stronger, independent, self-loving, and more confident.
You broke my heart, you disarmed me, but you didn’t break my spirit.
And though on these days I feel like texting you, I feel like reaching out—I won’t.
I know better now. I respect myself enough.
I hate feeling like this.
I hate that I allow you to still be in my thoughts, but I know that this is just the holiday blues and the feeling will pass.
I deserve someone better. I deserve to be loved and respected, and you never knew how to do that.
And though sometimes I make you perfect in my mind, the reality is you were far from that.
You see, all those beautiful moments we shared that keep running through my mind can’t make up for the fact that you broke me.
They can’t undo the damage you have done.
That’s why I will keep fighting those small battles.
I will get up, get dressed, and show up for myself.
I will keep on working on this new life I am already proud of.
I will keep going one day at the time because I learned by now that healing takes time; it won’t happen overnight.
I’m not in a rush. I have time to learn to be fully happy without you.
Still, I have only one Christmas wish this year: I hope that next December.
I won’t feel the need to text you.
I hope I won’t miss you.