God knows how many times I had my heartbroken and how many times I cried myself to sleep. God knows how many times I have loved the wrong man, hoping that this time would be different. Hoping, maybe this time I wouldn’t be broken. Maybe this time I would be loved. But I never was. With time, I started to think that maybe that is what love actually looked like. Maybe that what my parents have is an extinct kind of love. But it’s not. I finally know it’s not. I’m finally loved and I finally know love is not meant to hurt me.
I finally know you’re not supposed to hate yourself. I finally love myself and I have someone who loves me. I have someone who loves me when I’m singing in the shower(even if it sounds like two cats fighting). I have someone who loves my body, my stretch marks and my scars. I have someone who kisses every inch of me. He kisses me because he wants to, not because I ask him to. Do you have any idea how low I felt by having to ask someone to kiss me? Someone whom I adored, someone I loved?
I finally know how it feels to have someone’s support. To have someone who will cheer for you and be your biggest fan. I finally know what it’s like to be in a relationship with a friend. With someone who won’t bring me down, who won’t throw shade on my success. Someone who won’t make fun of me for trying something and failing.
I finally know what it’s like to have someone to wipe away tears from my face. I finally have someone who will warm me up at night, whose hug will hold me in one piece while I feel like I’m falling apart. I finally have someone who is worth staying for and who decided to stay for me. I finally know what being enough feels like. After being second choice for so long, after being someone’s stop along the way, I’m finally a destination. I’m finally someone’s only choice.
And finally, after I decided not to give a fuck about them, I learned how to give a fuck about me. Now that I put myself first, I have learned what kind of love I deserve. I never deserved pain instead of love, but that’s all I got. I was always the one trying to fix others, without anyone to fix me. And until I fixed myself, I wasn’t able to realize that you can’t fix people—they need to do it on their own. I finally learned I don’t have to substitute heaven for hell. Until I learned how great I can do on my own, I couldn’t do great with someone else.
Love and pain are not supposed to go hand-in-hand. Loving someone and having someone to love you is not supposed to hurt. Having someone by your side is not supposed to drain your strength, it’s supposed to give you it. Having someone by your side means not being alone. Loving is not settling and it took me too many heartbreaks to understand that. Love is not meant to hurt you, it’s meant to heal you.