Love advice

I Can’t Afford To Love You, But I Can Afford Happiness

Love is an expensive sport in which you invest all of your body and soul to realize that you’ve got nothing left. When everything you’ve been giving all this time has been taken for granted, there’s no point in investing more because it’s called deliberately tearing apart your already broken heart.

Love is full of surprises, ups and downs, and expensive gifts that we shouldn’t give to everyone.

Expensive gifts such as being honest with you, trying hard to make you happy and never making you doubt what I feel for you have simply become unaffordable. Your love has cost me too much, and it has become something that I need to get rid of in order to find myself again. To find happiness.

I no longer can afford to be left waiting for you to change because I’ve lost enough of my time.

I no longer can afford to pretend that everthing’s okay, because it’s not.

I no longer can afford to love you because loving you has tormented my heart.

But, what I can do is to afford happiness because leaving you doesn’t cost a lot.

It takes only two seconds to decide to leave, but it takes a whole lot more to decide to stay. But, why would I? You’re giving me a million reasons to let you go, but you’re not giving me any single reason to stay.

All this time, I’ve been wasting my tears, my effort and my love in the hope that something would eventually change. But, it didn’t. The only thing that has changed now is my will to stop wasting my time on your selfish love.

 

Choosing happiness is something I should’ve done a long time ago.

And do you know why I didn’t? I didn’t choose happiness because I stupidly believed that the portion of toxicity you’re giving me was actually happiness. But, it took me a long time to realize that it was nothing more than bait to lure me to stay.

But this time, I won’t be fooled. This time I will collect all of the bills that you’ve left unpaid because you were too busy chasing things you can’t afford and making me feel unworthy of love.

This time I can’t afford you because I’m in debt to myself.

For every single tear, I owe myself one hundred smiles. For every nice word said to you, I owe to myself double. For every hope you destroyed in me, I owe it to myself to start believing in me again.

I owe it to myself to start believing that I deserve to be happy. I’m not the prisoner of my own debts or my past full of mistakes. I am a person who loved you with all of my heart. I am a person who never gave up, no matter how hard it got.

But today, I choose to be the person that pursues happiness. I choose to be myself because for a long time, I’ve been someone else. For a long time, I have played as you have taught me, but you need to know that the melody has become dull and worn. And I no longer enjoy it.

This time I choose to create my own music.

I will no longer pretend that I enjoy everything that others give me only because I don’t want to hurt them or disappoint them. This time I will enjoy only the things that make me truly happy, and leaving you is one of them.

Loving you has created the biggest debt to myself, and I’m not in a position to afford it anymore. But, don’t think that I wasn’t aware of it. I was doing it consciously because I refused to see the bad in others. I wanted to believe that if I gave all of myself to you, you would reciprocate.

But, I guess I needed to learn the lesson that it’s not working that way. So, this time I’ll love myself a little bit more because loving you has cost me a lot. Loving you has taught me what love is not.

 

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