HERE I WILL ALWAYS BE YOURS WITH NO REGRETS
You know, I have been told so many times what to do and how to act to have a better life. I remember my mother used to tell me that I should eat a lot of fruits and vegetables to stay healthy.
If it was raining, she would never let me go out without an umbrella because she didn’t want me to get a cold. She took care of me like I was a baby and, even if that annoyed me at that time, now I understand that she only took care of me like every mom takes care of her child.
And she wasn’t the only one, there were close people in my life who wanted me to always be safe. To keep me safe, they gave me advice about life. Some of it was useful so I listened but some advice I ignored completely.
What is the most interesting thing is that all those things were things that I would learn sooner or later in my life. I would learn these lessons when the right time would come but I am angry because nobody taught me how to act when you accidentally bump into the one who was your everything and now he is just a stranger.
How do you act when you get out in your PJ’s and your slippers to the supermarket at the entrance of your building just to buy cigarettes and you see him? How do you react when you know you are a mess and you would like to be the most beautiful woman when he sees you so he gets disappointed for losing you?
And you are standing there saying nothing and waiting for someone to tell you how you should react just like they used to give you advice before. But there is nobody there. Nobody except your heart that beats like crazy and the fuss in your head.
Your whole life with him runs in front of your eyes. You remember your mornings together while he was lying on your stomach while you were playing with his hair.
You remember all his promises about having a big family and a house with a backyard where your kids will play. And then his voice brings you to reality and you realize that you need to get out of this situation.
You would be so glad if the ground could just open and take you with it but you are still there in front of him while he is watching you with his eyes. And you know that look very well. You know what he is trying. You know it all but yet you don’t know anything. There is nobody to tell you how to get out of this situation.
There isn’t someone who will tell you how to move on like you were never together. You need someone who will help you carry that burden because you can’t take it alone anymore. You need someone to tell you how to act when you meet the man who was your everything but now behaves like he is just a stranger.
You need someone to tell you that you are right when you say that the man who is in your life now is great and that you are having a good time with him. But you can’t shake away the thoughts that with the last one it was so much better.
You want so damn hard to have someone in your life who will tell you what to do to move on from the day when he left taking away his bags and a half of you with them.
I need someone who will tell me how to get over something that finished but that won’t ever finish for me. No matter how much I try, it will never truly be over. How should I calm all these emotions that are waking up in my mind and my heart while you see him walking away from you?
How can I be calm while the one who was my everything is leaving like he never meant anything to me?
2.43. A.M. – I hear the sound of a text on my phone while trying to open up my eyes quickly.
I am opening it, hoping it is just a wrong number and I see words that break my heart but give me hope at the same time, while tears are running down my face:
“Don’t worry, I am still yours, even though I lost you a long time ago”