Love and partnership follow their laws

She is heaven on earth, they say. It’s a disease, they say. But even the stormiest love and the tingling eroticism subside over the years. They are no guarantee of a lasting happy relationship.

Over the years, the demands of everyday life gnaw at the love of happiness. Many break it. But some weld it very close together. What comes to the fore when the passion and joy of shared sexuality diminish?

The recipe for success in a happy long relationship is difficult to put together – too different are the people and their circumstances. If you ask older couples about the ingredients, they often respond with “respect,” “respect,” “appreciation,” “accepting others as they are,” and “love.”

Yes, there is, love at first sight. This can be confirmed by all those who have already experienced it. This love comes over us like a force of nature. But whether that is also a love for life, must first show. Because love and partnership work according to very different criteria.

Love is not a planning table. She can not be controlled. Love meets us unexpectedly, it overwhelms us. Suddenly she is there and turns our emotional life upside down. You can not consciously decide on this feeling. But even if the great passionate love strikes like lightning, we have no guarantee of a lasting relationship.

The hot feeling of love can be over after a few months. But it can also lead to a long common path. And certainly, such a passionate beginning is not a bad start to shared happiness!

Unlike love, a partnership can be planned. It can be shaped and we can – and must – work on it. But for a happy relationship, something more is needed than the euphoric feeling at the beginning.

Opposites attract, it is said in the vernacular. That may boost the hormonal state of emergency of two people, love has its laws here.

For a good partnership, however, a minimum of commonalities must already exist. Scientific research shows that a common understanding, such as similar values ​​and beliefs, strengthens the partnership.

Common interests and experiences, such as travel, children,, or hobbies, connect, and they shape the life story of the partnership. If you have a lot in common, you will be better off your laps.

Love in old age – love is changing

Love changes over the years. It is, like a relationship, subject to a maturing process. Love also goes through different phases in this development process, all of which have their justification and are completely normal. Therefore, the partners should be careful not to compare their love and their sexuality after, say, ten years together with the emotional world of the first few months.

This usually leads to false expectations and problems. Ideally, couples should lower the expectations of their sexuality and value what they live together more. Admittedly, this is not so easy in a world where we are surrounded by “perfect sex” through all media.

Sexuality does not have to be of lower quality even after many years together, according to the Heidelberg sexologist Prof. Ulrich Clement. Although the sex is not as big rashes as in the early days. But it can still be really good sex. Because lovemaking is something that evolves with increasing experience.

The thesis that sex inevitably gets worse with age is wrong. Of course, the desire changes over time and it does so differently for each person.

The development of love and sexuality is very individual and can not be measured by a general average. Of course, the desire can become weaker with age.

But it may also be that older people enjoy their sex much more than in the past, that they find more to themselves, know what they want,, and are more courageous to live out their needs. Older people often find their sex better today than at a young age.

Even if the passion fades

Of course, it also helps that today we have a more favorable environment for sexuality: we are more open than in the days of our parents and grandparents. Sex in old age was devalued.

Meanwhile, it gradually penetrates the general awareness that sexuality and lust do not just go out with age. As long as physical fitness is still present – why should older people no longer have fun with sex?

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And yet the question remains, what remains, what happens when the passion fades over the years together? If only you knew that! For even sexologists have no clear, universal answer to this question. The individual couples deal with this individual.

It only seems certain that the initial passion gives way to no emptiness. Although passion over the years becomes less important, which seems to be particularly important for women, the friendly component of love is becoming increasingly important.

 The third element

Love, lust, and passion. What do fresh people need more? They are self-sufficient and would like to be undisturbed to enjoy the togetherness. The lovers need nothing and no one, and certainly nothing that interrupts their happiness.

For the continuation of the relationship, however, love needs a third element, something that is equally important to both partners and that gives them pleasure. These can be very different things, common life issues such as children, traveling or the passion for the same hobby or sport, common goals, and objects.

This third element, which lies outside the relationship, creates a valuable link between the two partners in addition to the emotions. It is soothing and stabilizing for a relationship when the daily routine is interrupted by pleasant similarities.

Even rituals are a great way to live together with your partner and not live past each other. “We” instead of “each for themselves”. This can be the game night every Friday, or the extended Sunday walk after a leisurely breakfast. Rituals help to break the daily routine pleasantly and to create valuable time for and with the partner.

Prevention for love

A car is sent regularly to the TÜV. Relationships would do that very well – and it would prevent many a partnership from going to the wall. Because the relationship TÜV includes one of the most important criteria for good togetherness: staying in the conversation.

The more open the partners can communicate with each other, the more competent they solve problems and the better they deal with stressful situations, the happier they are as a couple.

A great help is to make a kind of “Kassensturz” once a year, to undergo a relationship TÜV, advises the sex therapist dr. Ulrike Brandenburg. The partners should keep asking themselves: are we having the relationship we want? Is something going wrong? Do we have other ideas, have we alienated ourselves? What are the strategies in our togetherness that will bring down the relationship – or that would be good for our relationship?

In general, both partners should have enough space to talk about themselves, their wishes, and their difficulties. This requires a good communication culture and above all the attitude of wanting to do relationship work. It requires the willingness to learn and, if necessary, help.

Appreciation and gratitude

Good communication is an important basis for a happy and satisfying partnership. If it fades, the feeling of closeness and understanding also fades. What grows is alienation.

Stress reduces our ability to communicate by 40 percent. That’s what studies have shown. Therefore, individual stress management, if possible with the support of the partner or also with help from the outside, is an important way not to get into the impasse of silence.

It is not an easy task to counteract the overstrain of the partnership by everyday stress. But it’s worth it. If you know and accept that relationship is a permanent job, it’s easier.

This also applies to people with a grateful attitude who go through life positively and appreciatively instead of being deficit-oriented. One should try to give the partner more of the appreciation he deserves, instead of – as is usually much faster – complaining immediately, which bothers him.

Mutual appreciation is an essential factor in every relationship. It is the first to be lost when two people move away from each other in a relationship. Of course,, the partner will be accepted without thinking about him.

Everyday life offers enough possibilities and situations to appreciate the partner and to be grateful to him – thankful for the many inconspicuous little things that make up the common life.