As I finished packing up my belongings, I grabbed one last box and glanced over the memories we had once shared. The memories that were both good and bad. The memories of you pushing me into the pool on a hot summer’s day. The memories of me encouraging you in your darkest moments, and the memories of us and our laughter that echoed up the staircase—memories of a life once shared.
Yet the most recent and most stomach-turning was the memory of us sitting on the sofa. I even remember what show was on when you decided to tell me this was over. Even though you sat close to me on that rainy day, I could feel the distance and miles that were far between us. I remember every word that rolled off your tongue. I remember every word like a poet remembers their favorite stanza.
You told me you saw a future with me, you saw me being your wife and you most certainly saw me having your kids. But you couldn’t explain the halt to the notion or the fear of moving forward. And the mistake it was by moving too fast. You couldn’t explain this so-called missing link of chemistry you thought wasn’t there. Or you couldn’t explain to me why the advances in our relationship were seemingly just too much for you to handle. You looked so confused while you said this, yet you also looked at me with your big brown eyes and said that you knew this was coming. You knew this was coming because of past behavior. You knew this was coming because you were scared of possibly being happy and accomplishing so much more with who was supposed to be your better half, me. However, you let me go. All because of a fear.
I wish I would have known the consequences and acted on the signs you showed me when you didn’t seem to care at the thought of losing me. I wish my light bulb would have gone off when you said you were scared things were moving too fast. I wish I would have been strong enough to let you go and smart enough to understand this was over.
Yet I fought for our love so many times because in my mind I knew you were the person who I was planning to spend the rest of my life with. You were the person who I knew was worth fighting for. I knew you were my person who I was ready to spend the rest of my life with. However, that’s the funny thing about relationships—sometimes we come to a fork in the road and we take opposite directions.
As you glanced in your rear-view mirror of our memories, you chose to continue in your direction, not mine. I guess that’s the only way I can explain my feelings. This whole time I was loving you, you were barely loving me. This whole time you could have intervened to stop the moving truck from pulling away from the driveway one last time.
But you didn’t. You didn’t because you simply weren’t ready to fight for something like I was fighting for you.
I have to thank you for showing me what to avoid next time and what to pursue next. I will find that MAN, not a boy whose true fear is losing me. Whose true fear is losing me when things may go bump in the relationship. Whose true fear is knowing I’m the best thing that walked into your life, and the thought of me never coming back would just be the death of them.
I won’t have to spend time being stuck reading between the lines with a boy who doesn’t know what he truly wants. I’ll know it because of his actions. I know I will never be caught in this mind game of confusion or ever question his character ever again. I don’t ever want to think twice about if he’ll abandon ship when waves splash over the bow. I don’t ever want to think twice about if this is moving too fast. I don’t ever want a relationship where we need a break because the intensity of loving someone is just too much. I just want a man who won’t fear that I might not be the one. I want a man who is excited about our future and what it means for the both of us. I don’t ever want a man who’s scared of losing his freedom more so than losing me.
So this is a thank you to the man I once loved so much more than myself. Thank you for helping me become one step closer to finding happiness. Thank you for showing me what true love is. True love isn’t letting someone walk away so easily. True love and a true man will never let you walk away. True love’s biggest fear is losing the best thing to ever walk into their life. That is true love. That’s what I’ll find next in the start to my new beginning while this chapter is ending. I now know to find someone whose biggest fear is losing me. Someone who will be ready for commitment and will do anything for our relationship to have a happily ever after.