You know me enough to know that I always tried to be realistic, as much as possible.
Although I always had a sensitive heart, I tried not to let it be my only guidance through life.
Instead, I always did my best to involve my reason in my decision-making process and I always tried not to be blind to someone’s flaws and imperfections just because I loved them.
But everything changed the moment you walked into my life. I fell in love with you like crazy and from that moment on, I lost all control of myself.
You were the only thing I wanted in life and my love for you changed my views and distorted my perception of the world.
Sadly, you never felt the same way about me. And I know that now.
But that was something I refused to accept for a long time. At first, I was convinced that you were afraid of how much you liked me or that you were only playing hard to get. I was convinced that you would show me the intensity of your love and your emotions for me if I tried a little bit harder.
And that was exactly what I was doing all along. I kept putting effort into you growing to love me, without being aware that the only thing I was doing was pushing you away from me even harder.
When I finally accepted the fact that you never cared about me the way I cared about you, I felt stupid. I felt foolish for not seeing this earlier and for trying so hard to approach a man who obviously never took me seriously.
But now, after all this time has passed, I see that I can’t be the only one to blame. Yes, I fell for you hard. And yes, I was the one chasing you most of the time.
But I had some pretty good reasons to think you felt the same way about me as I felt about you. And you always made sure to keep giving me those reasons and to stop me from walking away from you.
Now I know that you weren’t doing this because you loved me. You were doing it because I was good for your ego or because you enjoyed always having someone around or because you enjoyed being loved by me.
But you definitely weren’t doing it because you loved me. Because you never did, as much as I wished for you to love me.
Either way and despite the reason that you did all those things, the fact is that you were leading me on. And that you were doing it for years.
The truth is that you played mind games all along, that you played with my head and heart, without ever thinking about how all of it would affect me.
The truth is that you were always getting my hopes up, without ever wondering how it would make me feel when I realized these were all false hopes.
The truth is that you kept me around to use me and to take advantage of the enormous love I felt for you, without ever trying to give me even a part of that love back.
The truth is that you thought you could do whatever you wanted, without the fear of me walking away. That you were taking me for granted, as if I had no dignity or pride.
Yes, the truth is that I loved you and that you never loved me. The truth is that you gave me false hopes and that I held on to those hopes, like my life depended on them.
But that doesn’t make me pathetic and desperate. It makes you selfish, toxic and narcissistic. It makes you a bad person.
And with time, I’ll learn to live without you. There will come a day when I’ll get over you completely. In fact, I am already slowly moving on with my life.
But even when that happens, you’ll always remain the selfish, egocentric asshole you’ve always been.
My feelings will go away but your toxicity and other flaws regarding your personality will never change.
