Here’s the reality—you only hated my attitude when you sent me a snap at midnight saying I miss you, come over, and my response was: “You’re going to have to try a lot harder than that”. Because let’s be honest—I’m not a booty call! If that’s what you’re searching for, then I’m not your girl. Don’t like it? Don’t hit me up. It’s that simple.
You don’t like the way my ex changed me? You think I was more attractive when I was shy, sweet, and naïve? I appreciate your feedback. However, what I have been through is what made me who I am today. And honestly, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I found many things! I found my voice, my worth, self-love, and my no bullshit attitude.
And let me explain something very clearly here. If you don’t lose yourself when you lose the person you have loved with your entire being, then were you really in love? Because it’s an absolute tragedy when your person is no longer your person anymore. I don’t care who you are. If you truly loved them, you lose a piece of yourself, a piece of your heart! When you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be or lose that person entirely. Meredith Grey said it best, “I make no apologies for the way I chose to repair myself.”
I chose to lose the woman I was entirely. Why? Because I refuse to ever again put myself in a relationship or situation that makes me question my worth as a person and as a woman. I refuse to ever settle for second place in a man’s life ever again. That girl who I was, she let it happen repeatedly until she realized she deserved far more than finding herself crying herself to sleep every single night or begging a man to put her first. She spent three years of her life in second place, sometimes even third because she loved him and didn’t want to be with anyone else. She was afraid that she would never love another man quite the way she loved him. She was afraid to leave because one day, some other woman would get the man she saw in him all along. So yeah, you bet I left her in the dust!
I will never let any man or circumstance cause me to lose myself or unlove myself ever again. Do you even know how incredibly hard it is to learn to love yourself again? I was so incredibly repulsed by the many chances I gave him, that I couldn’t even look at the person in the mirror that was staring back at me. Because how could she be so dumb? How could she let someone destroy her like that? And not just someone, but a man at the very least. He doesn’t determine her worth, she does. But the girl I saw in the mirror staring back at me didn’t know that! So I left her behind.
You don’t understand why I curve men around me so hard but yet, I let the man who broke my heart sit and buy me drinks last Friday night? You make a valid point. So here’s the truth: regardless of everything I went through, I was the one responsible. Yes, he could have treated me way better. But he didn’t destroy me; I destroyed myself. I let myself stay in the situation. I somehow convinced myself I wasn’t worth any more than what he was giving me. Those were on ME. Not him.
At the end of the day, I will always love him. And he loves me. I believe that because of the way he still smiles at me and watches every move I make from across the bar. He loves me but not enough in the things I want/demand in a relationship and that’s okay, because it’s not meant for everyone. My love is not meant for everyone!
He’s a good man and I believe wholeheartedly, that he tried his best to be what I needed but fell short. He fell short because he hasn’t quite figured out what he wants and you can’t be in ANY relationship not knowing what you want or the grass will always look greener elsewhere. Also, he doesn’t believe in himself. He’s a conflicted man but a good man and I love him. At one point in my life, he was my best friend—someone in whom I confided everything.
The truth is we both know we’re each other’s person, but we were given to each other at the wrong time and it unfortunately, destroyed trust. We can’t trust that we have changed and can make it work again, so we play it safe. We remain friends because when you walk away from “your person” they can’t be completely absent from your life. Otherwise, you’re always longing to fill the void that no one but each other can fill. But if you truly love each other like you say you do, you still cheer for each other from the sidelines. Regardless of the fact that our situation was terrible and we should have made it, the reality is—we didn’t. However, he still deserves to be happy and I hope she’s the one for him. Also, thanks to my new and improved self, I can sniff out the players and the non-commitment types from a mile away and there’s no point in me wasting their time or mine.
You might miss the old me and believe she is far more attractive, but I don’t! She’s in the past where she belongs. And I live my life for myself, not for you or any man for that matter. I make no apologies for the way I chose to repair myself and I make no apologies for calling you out on your games. It’s who I am—take it or leave it!
The girl who’s too badass for you and loves her new-found unapologetic self!
P.S. After all that, I still think it’s funny you want a date with the new me.