An Open Letter To The Man I Hurt
I knew that this moment would come sooner or later. I knew that I wasn’t strong enough to fight for you but I somehow neglected that feeling. I thought that the fact you were fighting for me so hard was enough.
But it wasn’t. It takes two to tango and I was the one who messed up things here. And I am sorry for that. I am sorry that I let you go all in, without any intention to reciprocate in the same way. But just know it wasn’t because I didn’t want to, it was because I couldn’t.
You know, you can’t just tell your heart what to do. It is not a machine so you can’t turn it on and off. The heart is a complicated thing and you need to be careful when dealing with it. Too bad I wasn’t careful with yours. I never thought that you would fall so hard for me.
I thought that you would stick around for a short time and that you would leave, like the rest of the guys I dated. But you had different plans. You decided to stay with me, with someone who was bruised, broken and totally fucked up. You stayed and you waited for me to get my act together.
You held me while I was fixing myself, telling me that I could do it and that I shouldn’t give up. But too bad that I gave up on love a long time ago. I gave up on you a long time ago.
Baby, I gave up on us a long time ago. And you couldn’t even see it in my eyes, since I pretended everything was okay. I didn’t have enough courage to tell you that things between us would never work. I thought that we would fight like I always did with the other guys I dated. I thought there would come a day when you would yell at me, telling me that you couldn’t stand me anymore.
But that day never happened. You were always there if I needed you. If I called you in the middle of the night, you would come to my doorstep to hug me and to tell me that I shouldn’t sweat the small stuff.
You were so full of love and attention but I, on the other hand, was a cheapskate when it came to emotions. That’s why I want to say that I am sorry. I am sorry that I suck at showing my emotions. I am sorry I suck at showing that I care.
I am sorry that I treated you poorly because I thought you were like the rest of the boys. I am sorry that you had to fall in love with me. If I could change anything right now, I would change that. I would never want to see you broken like you are now. If I could go back, I would do things differently. But I can’t. And I am sorry about that.
I just want you to know that none of this was planned. I am not a monster. I am just a woman who has been hurt too many times. And that’s why I am keeping my heart closed to anyone who comes near.
That’s why I look like the unlovable one. That’s why I am sad. And I hope that one day I will manage to love like you. I hope that I will be able to open my heart and give myself all in to someone. But most of all, I hope that you will find the strength to get over me and that you will forgive me.
I hope that you will realize that it wasn’t my intention to hurt you and that you will forgive me for the pain I have caused you.
I also hope that you will find love because you are a wonderful human being. I am sure you will make a great husband and an amazing father. I just hope the next woman you fall in love with will know how to cherish you. I hope she will give you everything that I couldn’t.
I hope she will love you like she has never loved anyone before. And most of all, I hope she will be the one.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
The one who couldn’t love you