It is true. I miss you. But that doesn’t mean I want you in my life again. Even if I terribly miss your arms to make me feel warm on cold nights, I know that I will be much bett33er without you. I know that it will be hard to get over you and that there will be many sleepless nights but that torture will eventually pay off. Even if I am currently broken, I will learn to get back up on my feet again. I will pick myself up and live my life to the fullest, but this time without you.
I don’t need you anymore when life gets tough, to call your number so you can tell me another lie. I don’t want to be addicted to you anymore. I don’t want to reach out to you every time I feel great about something, to tell you all the details. I don’t want you to be the most important person in my life anymore. You had your chance but you blew it and I am not planning on giving you another shot to hurt me. Going back to you would mean giving you an extra bullet to kill me because you missed me the last time. And maybe I didn’t put myself first for a long time but now I want to make a drastic change. I finally want to start treating myself like I deserve and I want to feel good about it.
But there are nights when I feel alone and all I want is you to tell me something sweet to calm me down. I want you to hug me again with your toxic hands because no matter how toxic they are, they are still the hands I am used to. I imagine you coming to tell me that you made a mistake and that you need me more than you have ever needed anyone in your life. Then I catch myself whispering your name and all of a sudden I wake up from one more dream and I tell myself that I really don’t need you and that this, what I feel right now, is just a sour memory of you. Then I turn over and go back to sleep.
There is no more of your stuff. I destroyed even the smallest memories of you. I created a totally different life without you and I am so proud of that. I am not saying that there is no room for anyone in my life anymore but this time I will wisely choose the people who enter it.
But the most important thing is that I have moved on. I moved on from all of your name-calling, from your every gas lighting and belittling and from all of your disappointments. I am much stronger now, since going through so many nasty things with you. In some way, you taught me to get back on my feet once life slaps me in the face. So, believe it or not, I want to thank you for that. If you hadn’t broken me, I would never have known how strong I was.
I know that I will have a crisis of conscience from time to time and I know that I will maybe want you back but most of all, I know that I will miss you terribly. Nevertheless, that won’t make me go back to the man who treated me like shit. I will get over you with a strong drink, while the hands of another man are all over my body. I will erase you from my system and when that happens, I will be the happiest woman alive.
The only thing that I am afraid of is those lonely nights when I only think about you, when I feel longing. On those nights, I will just talk to the moon about you because I know that he will keep my secret. I will admit to him that I still miss you and that a part of me will probably miss you forever.
