When I remember the days and months we spent in our city, just driving in your car and sitting on the beach, my heart stops. I wonder how that is still possible. It has been two years now since our last kiss, but I don’t remember the taste of your lips or your smell. I just remember the feeling I had when you were holding me, back there on the beach.
Our story is nothing special when I compare it to some ‘Romeo and Juliet’ stories. We met because we had a common friend, we laughed because we had the same sense of humor. Maybe it is better to describe it like this: I always loved my jokes and you were the first person who loved them as much as I did. I enjoyed the way you looked me like I was something so different and beautiful, even though I was an ordinary girl who loved watching TV and hanging out with friends.
So I suppose you liked that I wasn’t complicated, and I didn’t ask you for anything. Your life wasn’t like that. However, I figured that out later, when it was too late. It was so disappointing finding out that you were so fascinated by my simplicity and kindness, just because all of your ex-girlfriends were so demanding. The reason they were like that was because you cheated on some of them, you lied and you were selfish.
In the beginning, I didn’t see that. I realized that it is true that people in love are blind. When you hurt me the first or the second or the third time, I ignored that. I always found a good excuse for you. My friends saw you the way you were. They told me millions of times that you were not good enough for me, that you didn’t deserve me and that you only thought about yourself and what was good for you.
I knew they were right, deep inside I knew the truth, but I kept ignoring everything. What did I get from that? More disappointments and humiliations. The reason I was still with you was that you were such a good liar, you manipulated me perfectly and you could do that so easily because I was so in love with you. I loved you because you were brave, I always felt protected with you and no one ever before made me feel as beautiful as you did.
And then the time came. I knew I needed to let you go because being with you was hurting me more than making me happy. I felt like I was losing myself and becoming something I was not. You wanted to make me small, so you could be bigger for yourself. And that is not love. It was hard at the beginning, I missed you and I didn’t want to talk about you to anyone. I needed to fight this fight alone, because I was my enemy, that part of me who loved you still.
I haven’t lived in that city for two years’ I am always happy when I go there because I have so many beautiful memories, but I am always afraid of seeing you. I don’t know how I would feel. I am happy now, I have him and he is the best thing that ever happened to me. He loves me and respects me in a way you never could have
By the time I had forgotten you and moved on with my life, you started texting me about how much you missed me. I suppose that is justice that life gives you. A lesson must be learned. You are now feeling everything I felt when you rejected me, when I was number two or five or ten in your life, while you were my number one.
It is funny how memories work—some things we can’t remember, and some things we can never forget. I can never forget those days at the beach when you made me laugh, even though you hurt me. So yes, part of me still loves you, but I know just now I need to be my number one.