Relationship counseling: 7 reasons for crises

Communication is stalling, the in-laws are interfering in everything, s+x is getting lame, and you and your partner are even arguing more and more about money. These four obvious conflicts are the reasons why most couples seek out a couples therapist. However, these are only the most obvious and by no means the root cause. We will tell you the seven most overlooked trouble spots that lead couples to relationship counseling, even if they are unconscious.

Several relationship counselors and couples therapists have given the Huffington Post an insight into their work and highlighted what turns out to be the real problem for most couples in relationship counseling, behind the apparent crises. We’ll tell you what these problems are and how you can deal with them.

1. The partners are too dependent on each other. It is impossible to fulfill each other’s every wish. The partner cannot simultaneously be a sounding board, lover, best friend, personal accountant, and everything else in between. Playing too many roles tires the relationship, puts a strain on the person playing, and, in the long run, kills any sexual desire for each other. That is why it is important to reduce this dependency, create a certain distance, and also concentrate on your life outside of the relationship, for example, to pursue your hobbies and interests.
2. The partners do not understand what it means to have a shared household. You cannot manage the housework alone. Many couples struggle to balance their careers and private lives. But few recognize the emotional effort that goes into housework. In many relationships, the majority of the housework still falls to the woman. Couples who have problems with a fair division of the work should, according to couples therapists, develop a “we’re in this together” mentality. A recently published study has also found that fairly distributed housework leads to more s+x in the relationship.
3. Many couples underestimate the need for personal space. While constant closeness may feel great and exhilarating in the early days of a relationship, likely, these positive feelings will likely eventually give way to a more negative feeling of suffocation. According to couples therapists, many people lose themselves in their relationship. Every relationship needs a little “me time” for both partners. Just because you are in love does not mean you should give up your hobbies or stop taking care of yourself. Because these things are especially important for maintaining a healthy relationship. Couples should learn to maintain the balance of mutual dependence—together but also separately. More and more couples, for example, have discovered the concept of living apart together.
4. The partners do not love themselves enough. If you do not love yourself, you cannot love anyone else either. A lack of self-love and low self-esteem hurt all aspects of the relationship. Deep-seated shame can even lead people to have affairs or to total dependence; it can also turn people into limitless control freaks. Many couple therapists agree that a person who is filled with shame cannot have a healthy relationship. Many even identify shame as the number one reason for divorce. Healthy, solid relationships thrive on the best, positive sides being brought to the table and valued.
5. Partners behave vindictively during arguments and rarely apologize. In the heat of the moment, partners often lash out, even below the belt. But they rarely apologize for their outbursts of anger. According to psychologists, we all have a dark side within us. However, we must become aware of it and acknowledge it to be able to control it. You should also always and sincerely apologize for verbal low blows, say the relationship counseling experts.
6. Partners assume they know everything about each other. But to keep love burning, there needs to be a certain amount of mystery. So if you think you have your partner completely figured out, you are denying yourself the chance to discover new things, including very endearing qualities. Especially after a long relationship, you “lose sight of each other” because you think you know everything about the other person. You forget that your partner is still “a whole world of their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Desire and excitement thrive in the unknown; continuing to discover your partner’s differences will deepen the connection.”
7. Partners shut themselves off from the feelings and thoughts of the other person. However, there is little room for mutual growth when one partner overreacts and does not want to listen to their partner’s feedback. Instead of blaming the messenger and suppressing true feelings, it is important to calm your fears and face them.

The three misunderstandings in the relationship

Because of these seven often unnoticed problems, long-term relationships in particular rarely feel truly happy. However, with the right attitude and perhaps even relationship counseling, it is easy to discover and maintain new happiness and take the partnership to a whole new level.